This weekend, Sarah Palin gave the Tea Party Movement a collective by boner by delivering a speech at their unwittingly co-opted convention in Nashville. During her speech and the ensuing Q&A, many observers noticed a series of notes scribbled on the palm of the former-governor's hand. (Check out our slide-show to what else she was jotting down.)
So in a speech where she criticized President Obama's dependency on teleprompters, she actually had the balls to bring crib notes? Sure, why not? Recently, Palin has had no problem rocking the double standard. To wit, check out her awkward justification of Limbaugh's use of the word "retard" just days after she called for White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel's resignation for using the same word. You're a real piece of work, Sarah.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Palm Pilot: Sarah Palin Takes Notes at the Tea Party Convention...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
State of the Island: We Preview LOST's Final Season...
Tonight is President Obama's first official State of the Union address. And we don't care. In recent weeks, we've become a little disenchanted. So as we stir some whiskey into what's left of our hope & change-flavored Kool-Aid wistfully hoping that B-Rock would just tell the GOP to kiss his black ass, we're going to forgo the requisite liveblog in lieu of something we care much more deeply about: LOST. Get our season six preview after the jump.
LOST is like that really cool friend you had in high school who went to college and came back a total weirdo. You still want to be his friend, but now he's just really fucking annoying. When you first started hanging out, he was fun and unpredictable; you never knew what was going to happen next. One weekend you're pool-hopping, the next you're being chased by a polar bear.
Good times.
Now, when you see him he's talking about fate and destiny. He goes on an on about equations and weird scientific theories. And the time travel. Always with the time travel. You're like, where the fuck did all this come from? What happened to the good ol' days of polar bear chases on the beach? And, then, to top it all off, you realize that he just been ripping off other people's ideas the whole fucking time. WTF?!
But the thing is, he's still you're friend. You're not just going to kick him to the curb, are you? You've got a lot of time invested in this friendship. (You bought all those goddamned DVDs.) So suck it up, listen to his stupid theories, and wait it out until he finally moves out west to join some New Age suicide cult.
Zing!
As the final season of LOST gets under way, we're reminded of our old friend. The first three seasons were so good -- the mystery, the suspense, the inexplicable supply of firearms and disposable razors. The latter half of the series -- with the exception of Ben's total badassness -- has been an unfortunate succession of dead guys, donkey wheels, and disappointing reveals.
And sometimes, all three at once.
Granted, that's the price that comes once you start answering all those questions. But we're tired and weary. We've been doing this for six years, and now we just want some closure. So give it to us. We're already expecting the finale to be a disappointment. In fact, the show's most unexpected twist may be if they somehow gives us a satisfying conclusion. The least you can do is throw us a couple bones. Here's some suggestions:
[Note to TPC staff & friends playing in the death pool: clicking on the Lostpedia links IS considered cheating (ahem, Laura)].
Please, kill Jack & Kate. Please. This isn't a question so much as an impassioned plea. There was a time when we liked them, then, they got off the Island and began sucking. Actually, that's not fair; they sucked for a long time on the Island, too. Just kill them off. Nobody likes them. And don't somehow make them the bodies in the caves; they don't deserve it. Just throw them in the mass grave with the DHARMA Initiative.
Who says you can't find a douche on a deserted island? We found two.
Who are Adam & Eve? This might be the most interesting and overlooked mystery in the series. It's been said that this reveal will be proof that the writers we're just making this shit up as they went along. That's pretty cool. Don't let us down (see above).
WTF is with the Whispers? So we know they're somehow connected to the Others, and maybe the Smoke Monster. We just can't figure out how. Ghosts? Time travel? Teleportation? The writers talking about how they can't believe people are still watching this shit? Tell us, goddammit!
What was the point of the numbers, again? 4,8,15,16,24,42. An entire season revolved around these six numbers. Then, you blew up the Hatch and forgot all about them. We kind of get it -- variables, constants, the Valenzetti Equation, Faraday, science. Then, there's the Oceanic Six. Six numbers, six people (all of whom were touched by Jacob). Are they variables? Or the constants? Explain.
Wait, a second... Six numbers? Six seasons? Holy shit!
What's the deal with Richard? He's really old. He knows a lot. He's a not the leader (but kind of is). He's one of the most important characters on the show, and we don't know a frigging thing about him. Did he come on the Black Rock? Is he Egyptian? (If he's some kind of immortal pharaoh, so help us, we're coming for you, Abrams.) And while we're at it, what's up with the guy-liner?
You probably should tell us about Claire. At this point, we don't really care, but we feel like you've been building up to something important with this. To be honest, we never really liked Claire (or Aaron and Charlie, for that matter). The prospect of wasting several episodes on this arc really pisses us off, but we're holding out for some big Claire/Jack/Christian/Jacob/Aaron connection that might turn out to be cool. (We said might be.)
With all that being said, we can't fucking wait until next Tuesday.
See also:
Lost in Translation: A Non-Fan's Guide to LOST...
Ben Linus' Emails...
More LOST on the TPC...
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
PHOTOFLASH :: More than a Mouthful...
Mouthful of what? There's a bestiality joke in here somewhere, but we'll try to show some restraint. (Just be thankful this isn't South Carolina.)
Friday, January 22, 2010
INFOBYTE :: Britain Raises Terror Alert Level...
Today, Britain raised its terror alert level from "susbstantial" to "severe." While the situation deserves serious attention, we couldn't help but notice how, even in the face of a possible terror attack, the British still maintain their properness. Substantial? Severe? So formal, guys. In America, our terror threat system was color-coded (and flavor-coded). We decided to investigate what the rest of the alert levels look like. Take a look.
Synergy FAIL :: Leno to Host White House Correspondents Dinner...
The Obama Administration made yet another giant misstep this week when it picked Jay Leno -- possibly the least popular comedian in America -- to host its annual White House Correspondents Dinner. Critics are attacking the decision, calling the blatant endorsement of Team Leno wrongheaded and inappropriate. Developing...
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Losing Mass: Democrats Return to Doing What They Do Best...
TPC political analyst Laura gives us a late night reflection on Scott Brown's victory in the Massachusetts senate race. Get her full, bleak analysis after the jump.
Can I register as a socialist, or does that automatically put me on the CIA's hot list? All I have to say is grow some balls, Democrats! Seriously, enough of this "love your enemies" BS. I hate my enemies, and it's worked out great so far.
I want real LIBERAL party. You know one that actually cares about women's rights, and isn't worried about what the other side thinks? You centrist idiots.
I totally jumped on the rah-rah-rah "yes we can" bandwagon. You know what I am now? I'm that guy from Major League 2 -- the one who loves the Indians, but by the end of the movie is suicidal. That's me. I'm freakin' Randy Quaid.
This is why I always advocated a multiparty system back when I didn't peruse bridal magazines for a living. Thank god I jumped that ship. I'd be so much more depressed right now. Anyway, if we had more than two parties, we could join the Greens and actually have say.
The sad part is all those idiots who voted against Coakley are sitting at home right now pissed that The Biggest Loser is being preempted. How many idiot Massholes voted against her just because she can't get her baseball straight. And what's sadder is that I actually think they have a point. Don't talk sports when you don't understand them.
I'm off to watch Forensic Files, and hit the hay. I'm newsed out. I'd rather watch the True Story of Murders on Court TV. Even a Maddow-Matthews cat fight can't make me happy right now. Thanks, Dems.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Pants on the Ground: A Close Reading...
Let's face it; despite still being a ratings juggernaut, Idol is getting a little stale. At least we assume it is. To be honest, no one at the TPC can actually stand to sit through the damn show so we're just guessing here. We're basing it on the fact that Idol's been around for a while, and every season it's basically the same exact show. We don't watch shows that have the balls to trick you into watching for years and years only to begin each season in the same, exact fucking spot like the whole thing is some stupid, endless loop.
On, wait...It should come as no surprise, then, that the Idol producers were thrilled to have Gen. Platt delivered to their doorstep in the first week. "POTG" is a viral video wet dream; it's everything a show like Idol wants in a viral video -- entertaining, complimentary to the show, and inoffensive. Imagine their excitement.
Above: their excitement.But there's a lot more going on here than the superficial spectacle of the ramblings of an old (and possibly drunk) black man. In "POTG," Gen. Platt constructs a bold and insightful argument for a return to values, humility, and taste within African-American youth culture. To better illustrate this argument, let's take a look at the lyrics:
Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with you pants on the ground
Gold in your mouth
Hat turned sideways, pants hit the ground
Call yourself a cool cat looking like a fool
Walking down town
With your pants on the ground
Simple, direct, and unflinching, Gen Platt successfully articulateds what many blacks of his generation see as the shortcomings of black youth. (Dr. Cosby would be proud.) The phrase, "pants on the ground" is pointing out young people's predilection for baggy pants, the wearing of which he notes makes them look like "fools."
Gen. Platt continues his attack on fashion by addressing gold teeth and sideways hats, both of which again cause one to be, according to Platt, "looking like a fool." Here though, he does intensify his attack here by forcefully stating, "pants hit the ground." The substitution of "on" with "hit" in this phrase clearly connotes Platt's assertion that these trends are leading to some sort of cultural crash. In this metaphor, the "pants" are black culture, and "hit the ground" is the ultimate fate of said culture if these negative trends are not corrected. For an example of the type of cultural erosion that has Platt so fearful, check out SeeMyGrill.com.
The other kind of grill, dumbass.Unfortunately, Platt, did step in it when he went after cool cats. While the "cool cat" may indeed be "looking like a fool" when he's walking down town, it seems that he forgot his audience. Given Idol judge Paula Abdul's long relationship with MC Skat Kat, it was no surprise when Platt's performance was so roundly ridiculed by Adbul and the other judges.
How could this not make you jump, jump?[Editor's note: After press time, it was brought to our attention by one astute reader that Paula Abdul is no longer an American Idol judge. Our bad. But like we said; we really don't watch this shit so whatever.] click here to read more...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
We're on Team Conan: The TPC Endorsement...
By this point, it should be pretty obvious that the TPC is on Team Conan. Even, before there was a Team Conan, we were on Team Conan. Back in 1993, when CoCo was struggling at Late Night, we believed in him. The man knows funny.
Need proof? Fine. Well, he went to Harvard, so he's kind of smart. Then, he was a writer for SNL (during the good years). From there, he went on to The Simpsons where he also wrote. Actually, he wrote the monorail episode. The motherfucking monorail episode! If you don't know the significance of that, then stop reading right now. We're not going to waste our time on you. You're probably some manner of idiot who stumbled onto this blog while you were googling something, which for you accomplished by mashing your fingers on the keyboard and hitting "enter." (This also means that you're probably on Team Leno, so go fuck yourself).
You (artist's rendition).
Now, what has Jay Leno done? Well, he's done a good job branding himself as the "nice guy" -- the polite, likable stand-up comic whose made his career playing the game, staying put, and being a good little soldier for the network suits. All this, despite the fact that he has a habit of fucking over other comedians to get ahead (they actually made a movie about it).
Leno's rise in popularity was also helped by the fact that he wasn't actually funny. Leno's comedy is what safe might call safe (read: not funny). It's simplistic and requires no thought whatsoever, and therefore, is palatable to fat, stupid Americans who wouldn't know comedy if it hit them in the face with a banana cream pie (now that's funny). To put it in terms that the aforementioned fats, stupid Americans will understand, Jay Leno is the Applebee's of comedy.
To be honest, NBC's decision to offer Conan the Tonight Show was a surprise. Conan may be a comic genius, but the Tonight Show is a pretty mainstream affair. At 12:30, you can get away with characters like Shoeverine and the Fed-Ex Pope. Unfortunately, the 11:30 slot requires bits that are more accessible (and by accessible, we mean totally fucking lame).
Pictured: "totally fucking lame."
To be honest, we didn't follow Conan to 11:30. If we're watching TV at 11:30 at night (instead of plowing bitches), chances are it's on Colbert (and we've already finished plowing bitches for the day). Sorry, CoCo, but in our world, news and satire trumps "Conando" (but plowing bitches still trumps them both). Still, we were happy for Conan. The Tonight Show is an honor that he deserves. Jack Parr, Steve Allen, Johnny Carson -- Conan belongs at the table with these guys.
By choosing Conan, it appeared that NBC was finally starting to get it, and in a way, atoning for the way they treated Letterman. Certainly, their taste in primetime comedy programming has improved drastically over the last decade. Single-camera, laugh track-less shows like The Office, 30 Rock, and now, Parks & Recreation, were getting their due -- even being allowed time to build their audiences for a season or two.
Foolishly, we began to let our guard down. And now with Conan all but finished on NBC, we can't help but wonder what's next. Is anyone safe? How long is it before 30 Rock gets replaced by Jeff Dunham? Or The Office loses 9pm to some insipid abortion of a sit-com starring Dane Cook and Dax Shepard and produced by Ashton Kutcher?
A chilling vision of things to come.
It's time to take matters into our own hands, people. NBC can't be trusted with quality programming anymore. That's why the TPC is urging President Obama, via his secret Executive Facebook Page (only accessible by the liberal media elite such as ourselves) to immediately seize the following NBC programs before the network can fuck them up, too: 30 Rock, The Office, and Parks & Recreation.
You must act now, Mr. President. These programs are too good to fail. Every second they remain in NBC's inept hands is one second closer to cancellation, or worse, re-tooling. Don't let this happen on your watch, sir. Swift and decisive government regulation must be enacted to prevent NBC from destroying primetime comedy the same way they have already decimated late night. And while you're at it, can you make sure Cuse and Lindelof don't fuck up LOST on us? Thanks.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
PHOTOFLASH :: Haiti on Team Conan...
Amidst recovering from a tragic 7.0 earthquake, Haitians still managed to throw their support behind Team Conan in a conflict which threatens to devastate the American late night landscape. Send help to quake victims here.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Vatican Sends Missionaries to Pandora...
VATICAN CITY—Responding to reports of rampant paganism, the Vatican announced today that it will be sending a corp of missionaries on an interstellar voyage to the distant moon of Pandora in order to bring Christianity to the indigenous Na'vi race.
In a prepared statement, Vatican spokesperson Salvatore Giaconni explained that the nature-centric religion of the Na'vi "represents a pantheism tinged with neo-paganism, which would see the source of man's salvation in nature alone." Giaconni added that increased human/Na'vi interaction could potentially normalize these flawed beliefs as humans become enchanted by their superficial nature-friendly message.
"This belief system is blatantly inconsistent with the Church's monotheistic doctrine," stated Giaconni, who went on to describe the Church's time-tested plan of proselytization and assimilation. The three-fold process -- similar to the one implemented in the Americas throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries -- entails teaching the Na'vi to be shameful of their bodies, degrading their native customs, and building churches on already existing religious sites.
One such site, the Tree of Life, is of particular importance to the Na'vi. "By this time next year, we should have a cathedral at the foot of that tree," Giaconni said optimistically.
News of the planned expedition did not come as a surprise to Catholics as late last year the Church revealed its acceptance of the existence of extraterrestrial life. "It only makes sense that they'd begin a space missionary program," says Nicole Voutas, a member of the Pandora-bound crew.
"When we realized there was other intelligent life in the universe, we had hoped that the love of Jesus had already been revealed to them, too," explains Voutas, "but apparently it's the Lord's will to have us do that work for Him."
The Catholic journey comes on the heels of the Mormon Church's ill-conceived expedition to planet Vulcan last year where missionaries failed in their efforts to minister to the planet's famously logical and reason-driven race.
Airport X-Ray Scanner Fails...
Since the Christmas Day almost terror attack, airport security has come under increased scrutiny. The use of X-ray body scanners, which were viewed as unnecessarily invasive, is now becoming widespread. We're not sure how we feel about these things. It's not the modesty issue, either. We're guessing that we're probably more attractive than about 98% of the other people in any airport anywhere. And we could care less if some chotch at airport security sees our wangs or hoohas. (If you really want to see our wangs or hoohas, all you have to do was ask.)
It's the whole erosion of our privacies thing that makes us a little uncomfortable. Plus, these weird faceless, blue nude images are going to start some whole new subgenre of porn. Add this to the popularity of Avatar, and we think it's apparent that our country is working through some strange Smurf fetish right now. But given our pre-adolescent infatuation with Smurfette, we might be okay with that. While we work through this, check out some of the more interesting things folks have been trying to get through these scanners.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Omnibrated & Inebriated Followup: Uninvited Guests...
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
The TPC Reviews the Nexus One Like Total Nerds...
Google's Nexus One phone debuted yesterday. Get our nerded out review after the jump.
The Nexus One is the phone we've been waiting for. It's like if the Droid and the Droid Eris had a baby during a blue moon on New Year's Eve. We love what Google is doing: they are going to make phones like PCs where we can buy a phone and the service providers compete for our service. You can get a sick phone without having to go to T-Mobile or Sprint or, god forbid, AT&T.
We're still on the fence with the name, though. Nexus One? It's either badass and in a futuristic kind of way or completely lame because it sounds like a planet on Battlestar Gallactica. We can't decide.
Nonetheless, we got a total boner for this thing. Like we said, it's like if the Droid and the Eris had a baby, it would be the Nexus One.
(Visual aid.)
Or to put it another way, It's like if Cyclops and Jean Grey from the X-Men had a kid. In fact they did, and his name is Cable (and he's a pretty badass motherfucker).
Pictured: Badass motherfuckin' genes.
By this logic that means the Nexus One is the Cable of cell phones.
?!
But there are some problems here. The Scott Summers/Jean Grey analogy is good except for one thing: At birth, Cable is infected with a virus that has always kept him from using his powers to their full potential since he had to use them to keep the virus from killing him (duh). In this analogy, this means that the Nexus One has a debilitating virus that affects its performance -- probably not the best thing for Google to associate itself with.
However, in an alternate timeline, we do see an uninfected Cable (Nate Grey). Though, if memory serves us, the powers were so great that they eventually burnt out his body. Again, not a great selling point. So either way this Cable analogy doesn't bode well for the Nexus One.
A better example might be Rachel Summers -- Cable's sister from the future who has massive Phoenix-like powers without all the planet destroying evilness of her mom. Though, now that we think of it, she also lost control of her powers, which resulted in her being tossed around the timestream for a while. So maybe not. Nobody wants a time-traveling phone. (Well, not unless you could time travel, too.)
And by better, we mean hotter.
Still, we like the Summer/Grey thing. It's apt. In the Marvel Universe, their bloodline is infamous for its powerful mutants. However, a different version of our formula yielded only more troubling results.
We can assume the Nexus One is basically an iPhone with Google.
And unlike the iPhone, it actually makes phone calls, too.
(The joke here is that Jean Grey dies a lot.)
The face of evil.
Following this new proof to its logical end, we get a shocking result.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Dog Saves Boy from Cougar...
BOSTON—A local teenager is resting comfortably today after a potentially dangerous encounter with a cougar over the weekend. Jeremy Richmond, 19, of Somerville was walking his two-year-old golden retriever, Scooter, at a neighborhood dog park on Saturday afternoon when he was approached by the cougar who was later revealed to be Alexis Voutas, a forty-one-year-old divorcee and mother of two.
"She was following me around the park for a while, kind of stalking me," Richmond said of Voutas who noted that she often frequents the park due to its proximity to the Boston University campus.
According to Richmond, Voutas finally approached him asking if he "liked older women." Richmond demurred, politely noting that he had a girlfriend to which Voutas replied that she could do things to him that his girlfriend "didn't even know existed."
"Then, she offered to buy me beer," Richmond added.
Despite Richmond's apprehensiveness, Voutas continued to press him until Scooter intervened, placing himself between Richmond and the cougar.
"Scooter knew something was wrong from the start," Richmond said, explaining that the normally friendly canine began growling as soon as Voutas came near. "It's like he could smell her Juicy Couture perfume from across the park."
In an effort to calm the dog, Voutas attempted to pet Scooter at which point he lunged at Voutas and began barking loudly. Startled by the action, Voutas retreated to another part of the park where she soon discovered a pack of young skater boys.
Following the incident, Richmond remains grateful for Scooter's help. "If he weren't there, things could have ended up very differently," says Richmond, acknowledging that, for a cougar, Voutas was "pretty hot."
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Many Unhappy Returns: The Anatomy of a Bad Gift...
A recent survey showed that the majority of people prefer to give gifts rather than receive them. While we might regard this as a sign that mankind’s altruistic nature is not entirely lost, a more cynical analysis might suggest that people prefer to give for no other reason than that the act of giving is free (for the most part) of the awkwardness and disappointment that comes along with getting a really terrible gift. Get Jim's advice after the jump.
I say “for the most part” because there is always the possibility that you yourself are a bad gift-giver, and as such, have become accustomed to the disappointed faces glaring back at you every Christmas morn. (If this is you, then all the more reason to read on.)
So now the holidays are over, and if you’re like me, you’re stuck with at least one or two gifts that are so terrible you wouldn’t even give them to the Taliban. (A word of advice on gifting the Taliban: While giving Christmas gifts to the Taliban may seem like a good idea, this gesture will likely not translate well across cultural lines, and may be viewed as needlessly antagonistic, exasperating an already tense state of affairs. In most cases, it’s best not to exchange gifts with the Taliban.)
"Well, we don't have rocket-propelled grenade-launcher from you!"
But what do you do when you get a bad gift? Like me, you probably accept them graciously, hiding your crushing disappointment behind the same hollow, upbeat smile you usually reserve for when girls tell you they “just want to be friends” or when you turn on LOST and it’s a rerun.
You put up a strong front on Christmas Day, but now you’re sitting in your house staring at the pile of junk that you’ll never use. (Though, that copy of Going Rogue will probably make a good door stop.)
Of course, you can’t just throw your gifts out. That would be rude (and wasteful – there are starving children in the world who would give anything to have the director’s cut of Wild Hogs, you unappreciative ass.) While Christmas etiquette dictates that you must at least make an effort to enjoy your gifts until the Epiphany, there are no hard and fast rules in place to address how one should cope with and eventually move past the pain of being badly gifted.
Until now.
First, we need to break your bad gifts down into easy-to-manage categories, then, we can figure out what the hell to do with them, and how to politely and effectively address bad gift-giving in the future. Typically, bad gifts come in three types:
1) The Broken Record Gift. These are the gifts they won’t stop giving. When I was younger, I liked the Beatles (I still do). My family noted this, interpreting my interest in the band as a green light to bombard me with Beatles gifts at every turn. Christmases, birthdays, Easters, Flag Days – it was one cheesy Beatles-related present after another. Finally, it was clear that I had to put a moratorium on the Beatles. But how do you break the cycle without seeming ungrateful?
FAIL squared (Album AND Beatle).
My advice: Try compiling a list of other things you like – musicians, writers, TV shows – which your family and friends might refer to when seeking out gifts for you in the future. But be warned; while a list can be helpful, it’s a double-edged sword: you will inevitably come to the demoralizing realization that your family knows absolutely nothing about you. (Sorry, but you were bound to find out eventually.)
2) The Useless Gift. These are the gifts that nobody wants or needs yet somehow they keep finding their way under the tree (think: ShamWow, Topsy Tail, Bedazzler). Most of these products are cheap, poorly manufactured, pieces of junk – unintended by-products of our conspicuous consumption. Nobody invented the Snuggie; it just happened. One day, somebody walked into the QVC warehouse, and there they were, 10,000,000 of them just waiting for us to by them.
My advice: These products do have a certain novelty value. Admit it; deep down you’ve always wanted to bedazzle something. We say enjoy it while it lasts. There’s even some helpful websites out there that show you how to get the most out of these utterly pointless gifts. For example, you adults might want to visit TheSnuggieSutra.com where you’ll find more than a few creative ways to spice up your Snuggie experience. (In fact, you may discover this is the best gift you’ve anyone’s ever given you. Ever.)
Thumbs up, indeed, little buddy.
3) The Family Gift. These are the most tragic gifts of all. They are typically awful, but they come from people who love you so you want to like them. Proximity is the name of the game here. Aunt, uncle and grandparent gifts aren’t nearly as unfortunate as that ugly sweater from your mother is.
Indeed, the feeling of forced gratitude is all the more forced when you first lay eyes upon that hideous mass of wool your mother bought for you. She looks on, eagerly awaiting your response. Look at her. She really thought you’d like it. You smile politely, holding it up to your body to see what it will look like on you.
“Oh, I really like green,” you mumble, searching desperately for something honest to say. You do like green. That much is true. But lets be honest; Bill Cosby wouldn’t even wear this thing. It’s the sweater equivalent of 9/11. For a moment, you think you might be able to pull it off ironically. You consider becoming a hipster – you’ll move to Brooklyn, start reading Vice magazine and drinking PBR all so you can spare your mother the sadness of knowing she bought you a gift you don’t like.
My advice: Be honest (eventually). While we don’t recommend expressing your disgust immediately, it will be easier in the long run if you let mom know that it might be a good idea for her to give gift cards instead. We suggest waiting until sometime in the spring for this. Buy her some flowers, and gently break her the news.
So there you have it. Hopefully, I’ve given you some tips to help alleviate the stress of holiday gift-getting. At the very least, you learned about the Snuggie Sutra (you’re welcome!). And to all you bad gifters, I hope you’ve learned something, too. They may say that it’s the thought that counts, but don’t kid yourself. You’ve got a little over eleven months – that’s more than enough time to get your act together. Happy New Year.
[An edited version of this article appears in next week's Rutland County Express.]
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Humans, Smurfs Prepare for Rare New Year's Eve Blue Moon...
SMURF VILLAGE—Scientists, governments, and Smurf experts around the world are anxiously monitoring tomorrow's blue moon event, which is expected to yield the largest litter of Smurfs to date.
While infrequent, the birth of a new generation of Smurfs is a typically mundane happening, but the New Year's Eve aspect has many observers of the increasingly hostile Smurf state on edge.
Extremely little is known about the Smurf reproductive process, but it is well-established that they can only be born during a blue moon. Even less is known about the rare New Year's Eve blue moon event, which according to some experts, is a significant occurrence in Smurf lore.
"This is a very mysterious and secretive race -- lots of rituals and customs, many we barely comprehend," explained Dr. Alexis Voutas, an anthropologist and leading authority on Smurf culture. "From a cultural and biological standpoint, tomorrow night is going to be fascinating."
Not sure what to expect, military forces around the world have been placed on alert. "There's a lot still don't know about them," said United States Army Gen. Brendan Murray, echoing Voutas' sentiments, "and until we do, we have to treat them as a potential threat, especially after the events of this summer."
Historically a peaceful agrarian race deeply rooted in what some have labeled a communist system of government, the Smurf state has, as of late, been scrutinized by the international community. But despite serious rumors of human right violations, few outsiders have had the opportunity to visit the country.
This summer, however, several videos surfaced on YouTube depicting the violent protests following the reelection of Papa Smurf as the community's unquestioned leader. Since then, a stream of videos has been flowing out of the small nation exposing unjust working conditions, strange sexual practices involving the nation's minuscule female population, and, most startlingly, a potential capacity for time travel.
The videos were posted by a Smurf known on the Internet as "brain_e" who describes himself as one of only handful of dissidents who are working from within to expose the tyranny of Papa Smurf despite repeated violent attacks on his person.
"Papa Smurf has smurfed his people for too long. The time has come for us Smurfs to smurf up and smurf him once and for all," brain_e stated in a recent post on his Twitter.
As of late, brain_e has alluded to the New Year's Eve blue moon event ominously, stating "Don't smurf this lightly; Papa Smurf and the loyalists are smurfing something big."
Messages such as these have Gen. Murray on edge stating, "We've got a rogue state here with a rapidly growing population whose values and customs vastly different from ours. They have a proven record of hostility toward free speech and democracy. We have to take this seriously."
Acting on the threat has proven difficult, however, since locating the Smurf state has proven impossible. "We can't even find the place," declares an exasperated Gen. Murray. Indeed, a Google Maps search for "Smurf Village" -- the Smurf capital -- yields no helpful results.
Hoping to gain new insight into the Smurf threat coalition forces have turned to some unorthodox sources. Most significant was its controversial enlistment of a scientist known solely as Gargemel, who claims to actually have visited Smurf Village -- a feat few other humans have accomplished.
But the decision has drawn criticism from human rights groups such as the Human Rights Watch and Amnesty International who have slammed Gargamel for his past anti-Smurf writings and accused him of numerous counts of attempted Smuficide.
Nonetheless, Gen. Murray defends the military's employment of the eccentric scientist, who once claimed that he could turn Smurf into gold, stating, "Mr. Gargamel is our best bet to locate and neutralize this threat," adding, "We need to smurf them before they can smurf us."
Monday, December 28, 2009
Omnibrated & Inebriated: The TPC Turns 2...
TPC Staff Class of '09: (L-R) Trevor, Kirstie, Chip, Jeff, Will, Jim, Liz, Kyle, and Ethan. (Not pictured: Laura, Spider, Matt, and Eben.) Get the full story after the jump.
The TPC rang in its second birthday over the weekend with our Second Annual Omnibration. While a bit more subdued than last year's post-Christmas Day debacle, TPC staff, friends, and well-wishers braved the rainy weather to have a few drinks and listen to the semi-professional, unrehearsed musical stylings of The Chiptones.
The 'Tones upped the ante this year by adding the corollary "practice is for d-bags" to their firmly established "set-lists are for pussies" mantra. For 2 sets (3, if you count the extended sound check) and 2 1/2 drummers of varying degrees of sobriety, the movable feast that is The Chiptones rhythm section rocked out, proving that Christmas miracles do happen (if you count everyone on stage ending the same at the same time as a miracle).
"Is there a sober drummer in the house?"
On The TPC front, it's been a whirlwind of a year. First off, we actually won something (for reals). Our award-eligible reporting was finally given its due when we swept the blogging categories in the Rutland Herald's Best of the Best Reader's Choice Awards 2009 (winning Best Political and Non-Political Blog).
Suck it, Huffpost.
With the help of our crack graphics team, we launched Biden Watch -- our special feature that asks just what the hell it is that Joe Biden does.
"..."
We opened a much-needed New Jersey bureau courtesy of Spider. Finally we'll get firsthand coverage of all the guidos, guidettes, and douchetards like these winners below:
Ethan's Holiday E-card...
Every Christmas, Ethan from our Graphics Dept. sends out an animated short to celebrate the season. Here's this years' submission (follow the link, and click "view"). Enjoy.
Friday, December 18, 2009
A Tiger in Cougar Town: Kyle Finally Cracks...
You know, I was kinda liking this Tiger Woods thing -- porn stars, orgies, all night parties -- he was owning it. But I just saw the photos of the newest mistress; the one that supposedly he's had the longest affair with, 48-year-old Theresa Rogers, and I've lost a lot of respect.
Cheating hurts enough, but I gotta believe when its with a middle-aged mess like this, it has be 100 times worse. I mean if your going to cheat and risk your marriage, shouldn't you at least risk it for someone hotter then what you have at home? (Especially, if what you have at home is a Swedish model. A fucking Swedish fucking model.)
This had to be the final straw for Elin. I mean it seemed like she was going to stick around, but now news breaks that she's moving out and getting a divorce attorney. It's some coincidence how she decides to split right after we learn about this hot mess that he's been plowing went, and not back when numbers we met 9 and 10.
This train wreck of a woman had to be Elin's breaking point. She could handle the others; I mean at least they brought something to the table (especially the diner waitresses). Sure she wasn't happy about it, but she probably could have forgiven him. No Longer.
Boo-urns, Tiger. Boo-urns.
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