A Beer & Present Danger, Part III: The AXE Effect...

[Editor's note: This is part three in a multi-part series that examines the sociological effects of beer culture]

For years scientists have sought after the proof that would vindicate nerds everywhere by identifying the so-called “AXE Effect” used by collar-popping hambones (see also, meatstick, chotch, chief). Using techniques inspired by Batman’s investigation of the “New and Improved Joker Product,” we here at the TPC West Coast Laboratories have discovered the formula.

The Variables:
Budweiser (BW), Old Spice (OS), Hambone (HB), Maxim magazine (MM), Beer gut (BG), the Desire for Women (DFW), and of course, Axe Body Spray (AX).

We start with the assumption that Date Rape (DR) occurs most commonly when there is an exponential rise in Drunken Assholeness (DA) and the Desire for Women (DFW):

First, we note that AXE is really just a combination of Old Spice and Budweiser.

Second, we realize that a hambone who has been drinking Budweiser is nothing more than an exponentially drunken asshole.

Plugging eqn1 into eqn2 yields:

At this point, we have proven that a hambone wearing AXE deodorant is equivalent to an exponentially drunk asshole wearing Old Spice—no breakthroughs yet.

Next, we look at the subscriber log of Maxim magazine. This tells us that subscribers generally have an increased desire for women than the average male, the attention span of a two-year-old, and the sense of humor of a whoopie cushion.

Solving the logarithm shows us that Maxim magazine creates an exponential increase in desire for women.

This is where it gets tricky. One thing that most exponentially drunk assholes (and though they might not like to admit it, hambones) have in common is a large beer gut. Squeezing the exponentially drunk asshole’s beer gut in a triple integral gives us his volume which we find to be entirely made up of Old Spice and perspiration (P).

As equation 6 demonstrates, Old Spice is what you get when an excessively drunken asshole perspires. At this point, we combine equations 3 and 6 to form the important result that a hambone using AXE is equivalent to two excessively drunk assholes that have been perspiring.

Plugging equations 4 and 7 into our Date Rape Recipe shows us that a hambone who has applied AXE Body Spray feels he can perspire without anyone noticing, and that the likelihood that he will commit a date rape is directly proportional to the amount of Maxim he reads.

...And eureka! 

We have our date rapist.