Local Student Anticipates Summer In Europe: Chance to Find Self, Pussy...

RUTLAND, VT—Rutland High School senior, Kyle Whitley, spoke anxiously of his upcoming European summer vacation to an indifferent crowd in the RHS student parking lot yesterday afternoon. The trip, which has been in the making “like since I the first time I saw Beerfest,” will last for four weeks, and will take Whitley and a long time friend to all corners of the European continent.

Whitley has been giving the trip a lot of thought. Speaking last week to a close circle of friends in the school cafeteria, he mused on what a great experience the trip will be. “It’s a chance for me to find myself—to do some real soul searching,” When asked how exactly how he planned on finding himself Whitley explained his intent to “keep a journal and shit.”

In addition to his existential quest, Whitley has also expressed his eagerness to “get me some of that fine Euro cooch.” According to sources, most of Whitley’s time spent discussing the trip has been focused on its potential for sexual conquests. One such source, interviewed yesterday in the school store commented on Whitley’s erotic expectations. “He was like, ‘European chicks are so easy’ and ‘I’m going to get me one in every country,” reported fellow senior and former Whitley FWB, Alexis Voutas, who then explained that all the while Whitley was thrusting his arms and pumping his pelvis in an apparent imitation of the sex act.

In a recent development, sources close to Whitley have expressed their frustration and boredom with his displays. “Yeah, I’m happy for him, you know? I’d be excited if I were going to Europe, too, but all this talk about getting laid is starting to wear on everyone,” remarked friend, Mitch Tipton, “He seems to think the trip is going to be like Eurotrip or dare I say it, American Pie. I mean just because it’s a different continent doesn’t necessarily make the sex any better, right?”

However, Whitley begs to differ. In an exclusive interview yesterday, Whitley justified his enthusiasm, “You see, first of all you have to understand something: I love pussy…love it.” Whitley smacked his lips, continuing, “Second-of-ly, this is European snatch. It’s exotic.” Whitley clapped his hands and proceeded to buck in his chair as though it were a horse. “Giddy up!” he added energetically.

When asked of any specific plans for the trip, Whitley was ambivalent. “I guess we’re going to just play it by ear. I definitely want to go to London and Madrid, maybe Ibiza—see some of that Wild On... shit. Oh, and I got to get me a Swedish chick. And of course Amsterdam. Everything is legal there, man.” Whitley, however, was less certain of whether or not he would make it to France. “I don’t know about that place. From what I hear, they don’t really like Americans, and I heard their women don’t shave.” Whitley then went on to expound on the virtues of proper female pubic hair maintenance, “If you’re having people over, you mow the lawn, ” Whitely stated matter-of-factly.

Getting back on track, Whitley expressed his excitement for going to nude beaches which according to him “Europe has a shitload of.” In preparation for this, he has been making regular visits to the local tanning salon. “I’m not a fag or anything,” Whitley was quick to point out, “I just want to look good for the ladies when I’m au natural.” he added, “That’s French for buck-ass nekkid [sic].”

Whitley was also optimistic on how his time in Europe will improve his sex life when he begins studies at Skidmore College next fall. He explained that the knowledge of wines and far off places that he will surely acquire would make him appear more cultured and mature to the school’s female population, stating, “Give them some wine and talk about Venice and their putty in your hands.”

When asked for a reaction to Whitley’s plans for next fall, an unenthusiastic Voutas stated simply, “That’s great, but he still has a small one.”