Study: Short People Really Got No Reason to Live...

Chicago, IL—A recent report published in the Journal of the American Medical Association (JAMA) upholds the controversial claim made by singer/songwriter Randy Newman's in his 1977 song "Short People." The report -- the first of its kind -- finds that people measuring 5'2" tall and lower are actually a detriment to society. 

"It's simple natural selection," explains Dr. Juliette Borge, an anthropologist and contributing researcher to the study, "Short people's small stature is nature's way of weeding out the weak, while the stronger -- and in this case taller -- of our species thrive." Borge goes on to cite the report's findings that short people's quality of life is significantly lower than people who are more "vertically adapted," adding, "taller people breather better air, and exert significantly less strength when performing common everyday tasks such as getting into chairs, climbing stairs, or reaching for objects in cupboards." 

According to Borge, these stresses, combined with the constant psychological torment of living in a world that was clearly not meant for them, can lead to depression, substance abuse, risky behavior, and even suicide. On the average, short people tend to live much shorter and less fulfilling lives -- "typically 10 to 15 years less than someone even an inch or two taller."

Not surprisingly, many short people have expressed their outrage over the study. Simon Mitchell, chairman of the National Organization of Short Statured Adults (NOSSA), dismisses the research as bigoted and flawed. "It is disheartening that in this day and age, people will tolerate such clearly prejudiced science," laments Mitchell. "Heightism is a serious issue -- one that has been grievously overlooked in our society. Mitchell, who revealed that he 5'1" tall, resents the assertion that his life is adversely affected by his size. "I, like many short statured adults, live a full, happy life. Naturally, there have been hardships, but that is life; you just need to face adversity head on and move past it." 

However, Dr. Peter Wildman, another contributor to the study disagrees. He cites a direct correlation between short people's physiology and behavior that may suggest a specific genetic defect. "They got little hands and little eyes, and as a result, they walk around telling great, big lies," explains Wildman who is unapologetically bellicose about the decade-long study's findings. Wildman is weary of short people's potentially adverse impact on society. "Let's not forget," he warns, "Napoleon was 5'2"."

While the report has sparked controversy, once again stirring up the heightist sentiments seething just below our the surface of our society, Borge is quick to urge tolerance and empathy stating, "People need to remember that it's not their [short people's] fault. Being short isn't a choice. We should all try our best to accept short people until our our society figures out what to do with them."

Currently, experts are split on how to best improve short people's quality of life. Nearly all involved have concluded that letting them remain free is socially irresponsible. Some have suggested sanctuaries where short people could live in a protected environment specifically designed to their size, while others have argued that euthanasia may be the most humane solution. "We have a responsibility to these unfortunate souls," explained Borge, "assuming they have souls, of course."