Oh, Say Can You CIFA?...

Does following politics make your head hurt? Do you just assume fear things that you don’t fully understand? Are you making your pregnant 17-year-old daughter keep the baby? Maybe you’re a Conservative Ignorant Female American (copyright 2008, theplaidcrew.com). Take our CIFA Quiz and find out.

1. I always vote:
A) Democrat
B) Republican

C) the way my husband tells me to

2. In my opinion, Barack Obama is:

A) an inspirational leader

B) a Muslim
C) the guy responsible for 9/11

3. When I take my kids to soccer practice, I:
A) carpool with the neighborhood moms
B) drive my Volvo
C) drive my Hummer; leave it running while I wait for them

4. On the average, how many hours per week do you spend doing what Oprah tells you?
A) less than 4
B) 4-12
C) more than 12

5. I get most of my news from:
A) The New York Times
B) CNN
C) Kelly Ripa

6. I prefer to watch fourth hour of the Today Show because:
A) shadenfraude
B) it’s slightly less caustic than The View
C) Ann Curry is too ethnic

7. Global climate change is:
A) the most serious challenge facing humankind
B) nothing but Al Gore’s lies
C) great, because it’s making it more affordable to dress the kids for winter

8. In my opinion, the war in Iraq is:
A) a horrific quagmire
B) a resounding success
C) honey, what’s my opinion on the war, again?

9. When I first heard that Russian tanks had entered Georgia, I:
A) was not surprised given the rising tensions between President Sakaashvili and Moscow
B) read up on Russo-Georgian history
C) called my Aunt Sue in Savannah

10. The immigration issue troubles me because:
A) it smacks of insensitive nativist rhetoric
B) they are taking our jobs
C) who else is going to take care of my yard?

11. The woman who has inspired me the most is:
A) my mother
B) Hillary Clinton
C) Elizabeth Hasselbeck

12. When it comes to abortion:
A) it’s a woman’s right to choose
B) every life is sacred
C) Republicans know what’s best for my vagina

13. In my opinion, Cindy McCain is:
A) a remarkable woman
B) a devoted wife
C) a c*nt

14. I think homosexuals:
A) deserve the same rights guaranteed to every American
B) are an abomination
C) have done a great job over at Bravo

* * *

If you answered "C" to 7 or more questions, congratulations! You’re a CIFA!

And you're in good company. You're the type of gal who doesn't let things like logic, rationality, and common sense influence the way you think. Who says you need to know "facts," or consider "other people's opinions?" So at your next PTA meeting go ahead and push to get Harry Potter banned from the school library. Who knows; someday you might be running for vice president!

If you answered “C” to 6 or less, you’re probably not a CIFA.

But don’t give up. We have some helpful tips that will get your into the most exclusive ladies club in America:

> Defer all opinions on politics to your husband
> Assume every Hispanic landscaper you see is named Miguel
> Teach your children the Sarah Palin-approved abstinence-only approach to sex ed.
> Next time you’re at an intersection and see a black man in the crosswalk, lock your car doors