Lately, we've been hearing a lot about our country's dire economic state. Indeed, the phrase "in this economy" has been bandied about with the same frequency and indiscretion as a pocket mirror at a Wall Street coke party. From home foreclosures to the new price structure at our favorite gentlemen's club (hint: never buy a lap dance during a Girl Talk song), the economy looks more beat up than Rihanna at the Grammy's (snap!). But we here at the TPC are drawing a line in the sand. You can't blame the economy for everything, people. Here's our Top 5 things that the economy had nothing to do with.
Your Parent's Divorce.
We know Mom said she left Dad because of all the drinking he's been doing since he got laid off from the plant, but face it, Timmy, it's all your fault. Maybe, if you did better in school or weren’t so bad at baseball, Daddy would have stuck around. Tough break, kid. Better start picking out your black clothes now for the emo phase you'll be going through until you come out of the closet to your fat-theater-girl-best friend when you're 17. (Dad always did say your threw like a homo).
Your Erectile Dysfunction.
Apparently, the American dollar isn't the only thing that's been deflated lately. While the economy has got you down, it doesn't explain why you can't get it up. Sure, you lost your house, your car, and your job, but in this economy, you can't afford to lose your girl, too. It's time to man up, man. This economy's a mess, and the only way we're going to fix it is to fuck our way out of it. 
Thursday, February 19, 2009
In This Economy: 5 Things You Can't Blame on the Recession...
Your Fat Ass.
As a rule, people generally lose weight in a recession (you know, with all the poverty and people not being able to afford food). But not you. You seem to be packing it on like Jessica Simpson at Chic-fil-A. And don't even try to say that you can't afford a gym membership. Maybe, if you didn't spend $80 a month buying Flo Rida ringtones for your Blackberry, you'd be able to eat more than Twinkies and Easy Mac, you deadbeat.
Only Coming Up with 4 Items for a Top 5 List.
Well, technically 3 since this one shouldn't really count either. Times are tough, and blogging doesn't pay the bills, but that's no excuse for our lazy journalism considering most of us here at the TPC are professionally unemployed (read: English majors and grad students). Still, like most other people in this economy, we have been devoting most of our time to shopping for hobo bindles and building our secure compounds off-the-grid (once Obama's stimulus plan fails, the shit is gonna hit the fan).
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1 comments:
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