It's the Economy, Cupid: Celebrating Valentine's Day During the Recession...

Saturday is Valentine's Day, and we couldn't care less. Most of us here at the TPC are bitter, cynical, functional-alcoholics whose idea of romance is a bottle of wine and a few Office DVDs (Jim and Pam episodes are like Spanish Fly). Still, we know there are those of you who buy into all that Hallmark, Russel Stover's bs. This year, however, Vermont Teddy Bears and Pandora bracelets just aren't in the budget. With that in mind, the TPC has compiled a list of recession-tested activities you and your boo can try out this V-Day.

Pull a Chris Brown

Girlfriends are expensive (and mouthy). Take care of both problems by giving her a little Irish kiss between now and Saturday. You'll save on a gift and dinner, and even get a couple free meals out of it when you spend the weekend in county lockup.

Sexting

It's the latest trend, and all the kids are doing it. Whether you're across the country or across the room, nothing's sexier than sending a risqué photo or a naughty text message to your partner or anyone else for that matter (we like to choose randomly from our contacts list). As long as messaging is part of your mobile plan, you're good to go. Just find a mirror in a poorly lit bathroom and click away. Tip: The closer the camera, the bigger the object.

Make Your Own Sexy Comic Book

Comics aren't just for nerdy virgins and radical educators who want to debase our children anymore. Draw your lover an erotic tale depicting your wildest fantasies for the two of you. Some can't miss themes: vampires, pirates, her sister.

Fundies

This genius product is fun and economical. Not only is it a nifty way to spice things up, but it's also a practical necessity in these uncertain times. Don't just limit these to the bedroom, folks. Wearing your Fundies around the house will cut down on energy costs and clothing expenses. They also make a great conversation piece when you have company over.

Don't Date the Octo-Mom

This happy, single recent-mother of octuplets (in addition to her 6 other kids!) is a baby factory. Don't be fooled by the cute kids, and her adorable donation site, Nadya Suleman will suck you dry. One dinner with fertile Myrtle, and you'll be getting a call nine months from now telling you about number 16. This woman is the most expensive Valentine's date in history (with the possible exception of Sarah Palin).

1 Girl, 1 Cup

Times are so tough right now, even deviant fetishes are feeling the impact.