Kosher Pickle: Catholic Advice to Jews on Sex Scandals...

This week, Brooklyn's Orthodox Jewish community was rocked when a number of sex abuse allegations dating back almost thirty years were made public. Like most people our age, we assumed that Williamsburg's Hasidic sex scandal was just another indie band. Unfortunately, it looks like the Torah wasn't the only oral tradition passed on at shul.

But we lapse Catholics and recovering altar boys here at the TPC have seen this all before. Sex scandals are a PR minefield, but with the proper spin and a positive attitude, you can turn that bad touch good faster than you can say Manischiewicz. Click below to read our Religious Sex Scandal Do's and Don'ts.

DO stop molesting children.

While it may be difficult at first, it will certainly go a long way to show people that you're committed to improving the situation. Take it from a former altar boy, we know how irresistible we are, but you're just going to have to show some restraint. Try a cold dip in the mikvah (without the boys), or a take up a new hobby (we suggest not molesting kids). If you're a mohel, you should probably find another line of work.

DON'T accept responsibility.

Play the victim, why don't you? Who are these little bastards, anyway? Judaism has been around for 5,000 years, and these kids come along thinking they can muck it up with some flimsy allegations about abuse? It's a shonda! They were asking for it -- so naive, so innocent, so nubile -- what teases!

DO liquidate your assets.

Learn from the Catholic Church's mistake: SELL, SELL, SELL! With all the ensuing lawsuits, it's only a matter of time before you lose that winter home in Boca. We say you beat them to it. Meet with your accountant already! With any luck, Bernie Madoff has already helped you out in this department.  

DON'T try to find scriptural justification for your actions.

We all know you can make scripture say whatever you want, but try to resist the urge. While you may be able to find some Talmudic loophole that will keep your dreidels spinning until the Messiah arrives, it's probably best not to open that can of worms. Aside from the influx of pederasts (and inevitably, Chris Hansen), institutional man-boy love hasn't been en vogue since the Roman Empire (and briefly during the original run of Lost in Space).