Apocalypse How To: Tips for surviving the End of the World...

Noted pastor and best-selling author, Daivd Wilkerson, recently announced his vision of an imminent, "earth-shattering calamity" that will engulf all of humanity. Imminent, huh? Well, here's hoping the apocalypse doesn't come until after the premier of the Arrested Development movie.

Citing God's anger at our nation's secular ways, Wilkerson claims his vision depicts the world being consumed by flames and riots. Why do us secular progressives get blamed for everything? We're not the ones molesting altar boys, committing hate crimes against homosexuals, and waging a jihad against everyone who's ever eaten a BLT. Last time we checked, that was all the religious nutbars. So excuse us if we're a bit skeptical, Pastor. It's just that these doom and gloom things are a dime a dozen nowadays. If you really want to scare us tell us The Office didn't get picked up for a sixth season. Nonetheless, it may all be true. And we here at the TPC know that when the Rapture comes, we're not going to make the cut. But if we're going to be left behind, we need to be prepared. Here's our DO's and DON'Ts to surviving the apocalypse.

DO Start Dating.
Sure, post-apocalyptic life is depressing; society has crumbled, food is scarce, and there's nothing to watch on TV except Regis & Kelly (Kelly Ripa can't be killed by conventional weapons). But try not to wallow in loneliness. Get back on the scene. For all you know, you could be the last man on earth. The future of the human race may depend entirely on you. So stop pulling your pud to that DVD of Showgirls you found the other day, and put your baby batter to use repopulating the planet.

DON'T Obey the Law.
The end of civilization is no time for good manners or the rule of law. It's every man for himself once the dust settles so you better be ready. Naturally, you'll want to enjoy the lighter side of lawlessness -- speed, take drugs, buy a whore (see above) -- but after a while, the novelty's going to wear off (even killing hobos can get a little dull). We suggest going for some of the more obscure laws. Wrestle a bear, shoot a rabbit from your motorboat, or impersonate a member of the clergy (or not (see below)).

DON'T Start a Religion.
For the love of god, religion is what got us into this mess with all their doomsaying and genuflecting. Remember, the Rapture and how all those holy rollers and self-righteous douche bags just disappeared? That was great, right? Why the hell would you want to create more of those a-holes? If you were one of the flock and still got left behind, chances are either Jesus hates you or you bet on the wrong horse (sorry, Methodists). We suggest you follow the lead of your secular progressive friends and fill your spiritual emptiness with Radiohead albums, Seth Rogen movies, and meaningless sex.

DO Avoid Post-Apocalyptic Clichés.
Just because civilization has gone to shit doesn't mean your wardrobe has to. Before you go all Mad Max, let us give you some quick pointers. Try to avoid leather, mohawks, and that weird S&M motif (why does every end- of-the-world scenario result in someone wearing a ball gag?). Take a page from your friends who shop at your local co-op. With their hemp pants and clashing flannel shirts, these folks have been shunning the trends of modern fashion for years now. We say, embrace their dumpster-diving, thrift store-shopping ways, and you'll be miles ahead of your neighbors when Jesus' fun bus arrives.