Choosing My Religion: 5 Things You Should Try Before Turning to Church...

As America's economic future begins to resemble something between Oliver Twist and Mad Max, many people are starting to panic at the prospect of a future without Facebook and America's Next Top Model. While some have given up in despair (read: scotch), others have found comfort in another cultish community for the weak-willed and desperate: Church. Indeed, church attendance has skyrocketed over the last few months in correlation with our current economic downturn. Pulling out in front this time around is not the Catholics or Lutherans, but Evangelicals (oh, shit). Being based in Vermont, the TPC is immune to the trappings of organized religion (more on this in a later post), but that doesn't mean we are no less concerned about the consequences of a resurgent religious state. We thought we elected Obama so we could ban religion forever. Well, we're not going to sit idly by and let Christ-y McChurchington turn our country into a national version of Jesus Camp. So for all you hopeless souls looking for answers during these dire times, the TPC has come up with a few suggestions for salvation you should check out before giving up your regular Sunday brunch table.

1) Join a Doomsday Cult.

This is an easy one. As people get more and more distraught during these uncertain times, they naturally look to someone who has the answer. It worked for Moses and Jesus, and even for Screech in that episode where he finally got to kiss Lisa Turtle. So our advice to you is to find a well spoken, nicely dressed, charismatic man -- one who speaks of hope and change -- who promises that if you follow him, he will lead you to better days. In fact, we know a guy you might like.

2) Hail Satan!

You're broke, unemployed, single, and lonely. It looks like that Jesus guy really hasn't been coming through for you lately. So why not see how the other half lives? Scratch up a pentagram on the linoleum floor in your parents' laundry room, and summon the Dark Lord. And remember, in this economy, it's a buyer's market for souls so don't give it up for cheap. Go for the big ticket items -- eternal youth, nonstop sex, unlimited iTunes downloads -- but if your wish is a seat in the Obama Administration, make sure you get a receipt for tax purposes; Ol' Scratch already pulled that trick on Tom Daschle.      

3) Watch Lost.

Lost is like going to church: you only need to watch it once a week, but the fanatics do it everyday; some people come back from the dead; and you're always left with more questions than answers. But unlike church, the plot is easier to follow (what the fuck is an transubstantiation, anyway?), and we actually care about what happens to the characters (except Aaron). So as the world around you goes to shit, lose yourself in a world of implausible theories (OMG, Aaron is Ben!) and the delusion that you are actually the sole survivor or the Dharma Initiative who must travel back in time to save Jack and the other survivors from the Purge. Quick, go find Mrs. Hawking! There's no time!        

4) Learn Medieval Trade Skills.

As we begin our slow slide back to an agrarian society, you're going to have to relearn the skills of the Old World that our modern society has forgotten. Sure, you can be a blacksmith or a baker or a tanner, but why not go for some of the more exciting fringe jobs like alchemist, falconer, or rat catcher? Once we return to a feudal society, there'll be not time for church (though, you'll still have to go every week, or face the horror of being called a Jew). But don't worry about understanding what happens at church, you're just a worthless, illiterate serf who doesn't speak Latin. All you have to do to get to Heaven is leave 10% of your meager earnings at the door, and let the lord of the manor have sex with your wife. By the way, don't forget to tell your daughters about prima nocte.   

5) Nihilism.

Church is a lot of work for little reward (hey, Jesus, how the hell is eternal salvation isn't gonna pay my electric bill?). As we once and future Catholics (read: deathbed repenters) here at the TPC can tell you, it's just not worth it. But what's the point of shopping around another spiritual dead end when all of us are just gonna die anyway? Just give up, and accept the fact the life is a meaningless series of chemical reactions and occasional moments of fleeting pleasure. The economy is fucked, we've destroyed the environment, and in fifty years we won't even have any water left. Why not live out the rest of your meager existence in blissful apathy drinking to excess and having empty, indiscriminate sex?