Divine Orifice: Advice for Sexually Active Catholics...

For generations, the Catholic Church has struggled to instill its message of chastity and abstinence within its youth. Nowhere is this mission more in jeopardy than on Catholic college campuses where some students are taking a stand in outright defiance of Church doctrine. While the tried and true one-two punch of guilt and shame once kept the flock in line, the outdated tales of withered genitalia and harry palms have lost their sway in these modern times. Our secular friends seem to be able to fuck without fear of reprisal so why can't we? 

Since this is a such dicey and controversial issue, the recovering Catholics here it the Newsroom suggested we call in an expert to advise all you young, singles out there on how to navigate the sexual minefield that is the Catholic Church. Please allow us to introduce you to the TPC's new senior Catholic affairs correspondent, Sister Margaret Mary Clementine. O'Halerin.

Good evening, my lambs. Now, I know many of you don't think an eighty-seven-year-old nun can teach you much about the miraculous act of love, but let me tell you, I'm no stranger to the ways of the flesh. Why, I remember the first time I ever saw a man's penis. It was back in Tipperary, with my sisters. I was about eight or nine at the time. The girls in town used to get a thrill from paying the town drunk, a fellow by the name of Darby O'Keefe, 2 farthings for a peek at his naughty bits. Lord, what a sight! St. Patrick himself would have run for the hills if he had caught sight of the there serpent in old Darby's trousers. 

You see, children, there's nothing wrong with a wee bit of curiosity. But remember, it was that trollop Eve's curiosity that got poor Adam into trouble. Certainly, you're familiar with the popular Church-approved methods of safe sex like abstinence and rhythm, but there are also some lesser known techniques you may not be aware  So let me help by giving you some handy tips for safe Catholic sexual relationships. 

The Laying on of Handjobs.

Yes, my dears, one should not neglect the splendid pleasures derived from a pair of loving hands. There were many a times that Monsignor Fitzpatrick would summon me to his office after evening vespers to see if I couldn't "hasten the second coming" as he liked to call it. While many Catholics believe this act to be forbidden, the Sisters in my comunity discovered an obscure reference in Paul's letter to the Ephesians relating to animal husbandry that, when read properly, allows for both handjobs and ben wa beads.    

"Take the road to Damascus."

I believe the doctors now refer to it as anal sex. Now, despite the Pope's objections, I have never found anything in the Bible that bars this act. Indeed, back in my teaching days, I used to counsel young girls on this safe alternative all the time (much to their boyfriend and Fr. Flannery's delight). But a word of caution, ladies: Jewish men can still get you pregnant through anal sex. So play it safe, and stick with Catholic boys like your mother did.

Find a Hobby.

Maybe the temptation of sexual intercourse is too strong for you to resist. Well, rather than throwing in the towel and becoming an Episcopalian (casual sex and divorce is just fine for those heathens), maybe you should find a hobby to take your mind off your carnal urges. Why, Fr. O'Haggerty, from my parish, is a model of chasteness. I've known many a pastors who have succumbed to the ignominy of lust, but old Fr. Joe never falters. He says he owes his virtue to his dedication to our parish's youth ministry program. Every other weekend, Fr. Joe takes a van of our boys out to the wilderness for one of his Young Boy's Faith Retreats. And I tell you, it's hard work. Every Sunday night when that van returns, he looks so spent that I can't imagine he even has the energy to let a lustful thought cross his mind. The boys, too! Why, even some of their mothers have remarked that their sons have shown little or no interest in the opposite sex since the retreats began. Marvelous work, Fr. Joe is doing for sure.  

Well, that's all for now, my pets.  

Go with Christ,

Sr. Clem.