Parental Advisory: The TPC Guide to Visiting Your Parents in Florida...

Last weekend, TPC's Jim -- fed up with the winter and his continued status as a freelance deadbeat -- packed up his car and headed down to southwest Florida to visit his snowbird parents. After several days of ignoring our texts, phone calls, and Facebook messages, he's finally plugged back in to file a report.

:: Reporting from Naples, FL ::

I wouldn't call this a vacation, per se. A week ago, as I pondered the frosty reality of not seeing sunlight until mid May, the prospect of a quick jaunt south sounded like a great idea. However, after three days of intensive face time with Mom & Dad, the harsh chill and bleak existence of a Vermont winter doesn't look so bad. To be fair (my mother is likely reading this), they've been great hosts, and I'm glad I've finally taken up their invitation to come down.

Despite the sun, Naples is a rather unsexy destination for anyone not old enough to be collecting social security. But there's still some bonuses to the visit -- free meals, free booze (to a point) and no dearth of laughs when you father explains to you how the internet is a passing fad. Indeed, the typical embarrassment we all feel when our parents do or say something ridiculous feels a little less red when you realize that prodding the waiter for the early bird special after six is just par for the course here. Nonetheless, trips like this are fraught with pitfalls that will ruin your whole vacation if you arrived unprepared. Here are a few Do's And Don'ts to remember when visiting your parents.

DON'T Mock the Elderly.

Remember, you're on their turf down here. Incidentally, that turf is manufactured by Dr. Scholl (for added lumbar support). The entire state of Florida is like a cross between Cocoon and Night of the Living Dead. And while you may think they won't hear you when you say things like, "It smells like Old Spice and Metamucil in here," you're wrong; those hearing aids go all the way up to 11. But despite their hawk-like hearing, your parents' short term memories have a half-life of about fifteen minutes. Be prepared to repeat yourself (a lot), and don't be surprised when your breakfast conversations begin to feel like a bad episode of Lost ("Mom, I already heard that story...yesterday, when I told it to you!").

DO Let Them Give Your the Tour.

One night, you'll be coming back from dinner or cocktails (see: below), when Dad will take an abrupt left turn prefaced by the statement, "You gotta see this!" "This" is typically a new housing development, shopping plaza, or some other wasteful blight that has decimated the natural landscape. Don't fight it. Sometimes Dad forgets that you co-chair a sustainability committee back home, and that tours like this make you feel like Iron Eyes Cody. Just look at the pretty buildings, nod approvingly, and keep your eye on the clock so you can get back to the condo in time for 30 Rock.

DON'T Drink Too Much.

This one is a paradox. When you're with your parents for an extended period of time, you want to drink, but getting drunk in front of your parents leads to having a talk, which leads to you drinking more, which leads to another talk, and so on.

A brief word about going out for drinks: In my research, your father's perception of the severity of your drinking problem is in direct correlation the price of the drink. For example, 6 Budweisers is kosher, but 2 Glenlivets is cause for alarm. Caution: This also inevitably leads to a conversation about fiscal responsibility, which leads us to...

DO Let Your Father Tell You About All the Mistakes You've Made.

You know it's coming so just let it happen. This usually happens during the tour after your expensive cocktails at the bar (see: above). It will start with his assertion that you don't know the value of a dollar. This always leads to you current employment situation (or, lack thereof), and his revisionist account of how you would be better off if you had listened to him. Don't try to blame this on the economy because, if you're anything like me, you've were unemployed well before the recession began (which makes you an early adopter! (Dad won't get this joke so don't try it)).

By now, you'll want to defend yourself, or at least try to pay for those two scotches to see if that will shut him up, but anything you say now is only going to come out as a string of expletives that will get only get you in deeper after he tells you not to swear in front of Mom. Our advice is to just sit there and take it; it will be over soon, and by tomorrow morning, he will forget all about it (see: above), which will ultimately cause him to give you the lecture once or twice more before you make your pre-dawn escape when you've finally had enough.