As the economic shitstorm ekes its way past threat level midnight, the end of Western Civilization as we know it seems inevitable. From Rick Santelli's explosive Howard Beale moment on CNBC to U2's new album, it's clear that we are at a tipping point. As our economies and governments collapse, the key to surviving the rest of the 21st century is going be our ability to protect ourselves. And the key to doing that is assembling a well-armed and loyal militia. Fortunately, building your own army is a snap with the TPC's simple five-step process. 1) Grow a Beard.
No self-respecting revolutionary leader worth a damn doesn't have a beard. So start growing now. And none of that man-scaped chinstrap bullshit, either; we're talking Jim Morrison-in-his-last-days-beard -- treading that fine line between homeless person and troubled-thinker. Indeed, our fearless editor has been growing a mighty people's beard (see: left) in preparation for the coming storm.
2) Write a Manifesto.
A well-written, effective manifesto captures elements of both the batshit insane and the astonishingly reasonable. When getting started be sure to choose your ideological leanings carefully as this will determine the quality, character, and tone of your movement. If you're on the right, something between Hunter Thompson and Ron Paul is ideal. If you're a leftist, try for that Nader-Olbermann middle-ground. And remember, in our fast-paced modern society, no one has the attention span for seven-hour Castro-esque diatribes. The best manifestos of the Digital Age will be short enough to be Twittered.
3) Move to Latin America (Leftists Revolutionaries Only).
Like it or not, this is where all the great leftist campaigns start. Warm, secluded, and teeming with hospitable local governments (read: corrupt), Central and South America are the ideal locations for your movement to get a foothold. Indeed, the TPC has been sending correspondents down there for some time now, and by next year -- with the help of a bogus request we put in with Habitat for Humanity -- we will have completed our barracks and training camp.
4) Recruit an Army.
Think of it as American Idol with guns. In these dire times, people are looking for anything that gives their live purpose and meaning (see: our recent post). What's a better outlet for desperate aggression than a haphazardly assembled militia centered around a half-baked revolutionary ideology? Caution: things can go south very quickly. The last thing you want is an insurrection on your hands. It's bad enough that your inner circle will be plotting your assassination from before you've Twittered your first manifesto. It's best to be choosey; pick soldiers that are weak-willed, loyal, and slow-witted. The last thing you want is a Ché or Amorosa in your ranks. Our advice to you is to make an example out of someone on the first day. Nothing commands respect like well-timed execution. And don't forget to take advantage of your right to have your way with the soldiers' wives and sisters.
5) Wait for the Apocalypse.
You've written your manifesto, moved to the jungle (or Idaho, if your took the right-wing route), and have command over a fiercely loyal and well-trained militia. Now what? We say, wait and plot. When the shit goes down, you're going to want to be ready to move at a moment's notice. Once Congress is disbanded after Bill Gates releases a swarm of infected insects on the American people, there's going to be a mad dash for power. As for us, we'll be biding our time in the Guatemalan jungle while the rest of you are drafted into fighting the iWar, which will happen when the US government cedes power to Google in 2011 after iPods become self-aware.
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