Patriot Games: The TPC's Guide to the 4th of July...

The 4th of July is upon us, and this year the TPC is feeling a bit more patriotic. Maybe it's Obama, or maybe it's our recent dalliances with firearms (see: photo). Either way, we're ready to celebrate with a balls out America "FUCK-YEAH!" weekend. But if you're anything like us, some of you readers might be new to this whole patriotism thing. Here's the TPC's Guide to the 4th of July.

DO Blow Shit Up.

Explosions are as American as sticking M-80s in apple pies. Sure, we all love a good fireworks display, but think bigger. A colorful light show is fine, but real Americans prefer something with a little more oomph. We suggest tossing hairspray cans into your bonfire. Not only do the explosions add a bit more exhilaration to the marshmallow roasting, but the CFCs are terrible for the environment. And don't forget; real Americans don't give a fuck about the environment.

DON'T Be Afraid to Discriminate.
This is a America, land of the free. And as such, you're free to not invite anyone you want to your party. This country was built on exclusion (hit the road, Indians!). Be sure to go over your guest list ahead of time to weed out undesirables who will shit all over Lady Liberty's with their anti-American attitudes. Avoid Muslims, homosexuals, and any of your friends from the the co-op. But do invite that bisexual girl you know from the gym -- three-ways are very American.

DO Eat Meat.
Only Europeans and homosexuals are vegetarians. In America, we eat burgers and dogs on the Fourth. And stay away from that grass-fed, all-natural elitist bullshit from the farmers' market. A real American is proud that every burger he eats contains meat from over 1,000 cows.

DON'T Invade Anything.
We know it's hard to resist, but try to fight the urge to invade, occupy, or otherwise disenfranchise anybody. Despite being a cornerstone of the American Dream, manifest destiny is surprisingly gauche these days. We suggest channeling your imperial ambitions into a fun party game like croquet, bocce, or horseshoes. Or, better yet, be like the TPC and stage your own real-life Lost role-playing game (see: Do Blow Shit Up).