State of the Island: We Preview LOST's Final Season...

Tonight is President Obama's first official State of the Union address. And we don't care. In recent weeks, we've become a little disenchanted. So as we stir some whiskey into what's left of our hope & change-flavored Kool-Aid wistfully hoping that B-Rock would just tell the GOP to kiss his black ass, we're going to forgo the requisite liveblog in lieu of something we care much more deeply about: LOST. Get our season six preview after the jump.

LOST is like that really cool friend you had in high school who went to college and came back a total weirdo. You still want to be his friend, but now he's just really fucking annoying. When you first started hanging out, he was fun and unpredictable; you never knew what was going to happen next. One weekend you're pool-hopping, the next you're being chased by a polar bear.

Good times.

Now, when you see him he's talking about fate and destiny. He goes on an on about equations and weird scientific theories. And the time travel. Always with the time travel. You're like, where the fuck did all this come from? What happened to the good ol' days of polar bear chases on the beach? And, then, to top it all off, you realize that he just been ripping off other people's ideas the whole fucking time. WTF?!

But the thing is, he's still you're friend. You're not just going to kick him to the curb, are you? You've got a lot of time invested in this friendship. (You bought all those goddamned DVDs.) So suck it up, listen to his stupid theories, and wait it out until he finally moves out west to join some New Age suicide cult.

Zing!

As the final season of LOST gets under way, we're reminded of our old friend. The first three seasons were so good -- the mystery, the suspense, the inexplicable supply of firearms and disposable razors. The latter half of the series -- with the exception of Ben's total badassness -- has been an unfortunate succession of dead guys, donkey wheels, and disappointing reveals.

And sometimes, all three at once.

Granted, that's the price that comes once you start answering all those questions. But we're tired and weary. We've been doing this for six years, and now we just want some closure. So give it to us. We're already expecting the finale to be a disappointment. In fact, the show's most unexpected twist may be if they somehow gives us a satisfying conclusion. The least you can do is throw us a couple bones. Here's some suggestions:

[Note to TPC staff & friends playing in the death pool: clicking on the Lostpedia links IS considered cheating (ahem, Laura)].

Please, kill Jack & Kate. Please. This isn't a question so much as an impassioned plea. There was a time when we liked them, then, they got off the Island and began sucking. Actually, that's not fair; they sucked for a long time on the Island, too. Just kill them off. Nobody likes them. And don't somehow make them the bodies in the caves; they don't deserve it. Just throw them in the mass grave with the DHARMA Initiative.

Who says you can't find a douche on a deserted island? We found two.

Who are Adam & Eve? This might be the most interesting and overlooked mystery in the series. It's been said that this reveal will be proof that the writers we're just making this shit up as they went along. That's pretty cool. Don't let us down (see above).

WTF is with the Whispers? So we know they're somehow connected to the Others, and maybe the Smoke Monster. We just can't figure out how. Ghosts? Time travel? Teleportation? The writers talking about how they can't believe people are still watching this shit? Tell us, goddammit!

What was the point of the numbers, again? 4,8,15,16,24,42. An entire season revolved around these six numbers. Then, you blew up the Hatch and forgot all about them. We kind of get it -- variables, constants, the Valenzetti Equation, Faraday, science. Then, there's the Oceanic Six. Six numbers, six people (all of whom were touched by Jacob). Are they variables? Or the constants? Explain.

Wait, a second... Six numbers? Six seasons? Holy shit!

What's the deal with Richard? He's really old. He knows a lot. He's a not the leader (but kind of is). He's one of the most important characters on the show, and we don't know a frigging thing about him. Did he come on the Black Rock? Is he Egyptian? (If he's some kind of immortal pharaoh, so help us, we're coming for you, Abrams.) And while we're at it, what's up with the guy-liner?

And was he on Suddenly Susan before or after he came to the Island?

You probably should tell us about Claire. At this point, we don't really care, but we feel like you've been building up to something important with this. To be honest, we never really liked Claire (or Aaron and Charlie, for that matter). The prospect of wasting several episodes on this arc really pisses us off, but we're holding out for some big Claire/Jack/Christian/Jacob/Aaron connection that might turn out to be cool. (We said might be.)

With all that being said, we can't fucking wait until next Tuesday.

See also:
Lost in Translation: A Non-Fan's Guide to LOST...
Ben Linus' Emails...
More LOST on the TPC...