Vatican Sends Missionaries to Pandora...

VATICAN CITY—Responding to reports of rampant paganism, the Vatican announced today that it will be sending a corp of missionaries on an interstellar voyage to the distant moon of Pandora in order to bring Christianity to the indigenous Na'vi race.

In a prepared statement, Vatican spokesperson Salvatore Giaconni explained that the nature-centric religion of the Na'vi "represents a pantheism tinged with neo-paganism, which would see the source of man's salvation in nature alone." Giaconni added that increased human/Na'vi interaction could potentially normalize these flawed beliefs as humans become enchanted by their superficial nature-friendly message.

"This belief system is blatantly inconsistent with the Church's monotheistic doctrine," stated Giaconni, who went on to describe the Church's time-tested plan of proselytization and assimilation. The three-fold process -- similar to the one implemented in the Americas throughout the seventeenth and eighteenth centuries -- entails teaching the Na'vi to be shameful of their bodies, degrading their native customs, and building churches on already existing religious sites.

One such site, the Tree of Life, is of particular importance to the Na'vi. "By this time next year, we should have a cathedral at the foot of that tree," Giaconni said optimistically.

News of the planned expedition did not come as a surprise to Catholics as late last year the Church revealed its acceptance of the existence of extraterrestrial life. "It only makes sense that they'd begin a space missionary program," says Nicole Voutas, a member of the Pandora-bound crew.

"When we realized there was other intelligent life in the universe, we had hoped that the love of Jesus had already been revealed to them, too," explains Voutas, "but apparently it's the Lord's will to have us do that work for Him."

The Catholic journey comes on the heels of the Mormon Church's ill-conceived expedition to planet Vulcan last year where missionaries failed in their efforts to minister to the planet's famously logical and reason-driven race.