We're on Team Conan: The TPC Endorsement...

By this point, it should be pretty obvious that the TPC is on Team Conan. Even, before there was a Team Conan, we were on Team Conan. Back in 1993, when CoCo was struggling at Late Night, we believed in him. The man knows funny.

Need proof? Fine. Well, he went to Harvard, so he's kind of smart. Then, he was a writer for SNL (during the good years). From there, he went on to The Simpsons where he also wrote. Actually, he wrote the monorail episode. The motherfucking monorail episode! If you don't know the significance of that, then stop reading right now. We're not going to waste our time on you. You're probably some manner of idiot who stumbled onto this blog while you were googling something, which for you accomplished by mashing your fingers on the keyboard and hitting "enter." (This also means that you're probably on Team Leno, so go fuck yourself).

You (artist's rendition).

Now, what has Jay Leno done? Well, he's done a good job branding himself as the "nice guy" -- the polite, likable stand-up comic whose made his career playing the game, staying put, and being a good little soldier for the network suits. All this, despite the fact that he has a habit of fucking over other comedians to get ahead (they actually made a movie about it).

Leno's rise in popularity was also helped by the fact that he wasn't actually funny. Leno's comedy is what safe might call safe (read: not funny). It's simplistic and requires no thought whatsoever, and therefore, is palatable to fat, stupid Americans who wouldn't know comedy if it hit them in the face with a banana cream pie (now that's funny). To put it in terms that the aforementioned fats, stupid Americans will understand, Jay Leno is the Applebee's of comedy.

To be honest, NBC's decision to offer Conan the Tonight Show was a surprise. Conan may be a comic genius, but the Tonight Show is a pretty mainstream affair. At 12:30, you can get away with characters like Shoeverine and the Fed-Ex Pope. Unfortunately, the 11:30 slot requires bits that are more accessible (and by accessible, we mean totally fucking lame).

Pictured: "totally fucking lame."

To be honest, we didn't follow Conan to 11:30. If we're watching TV at 11:30 at night (instead of plowing bitches), chances are it's on Colbert (and we've already finished plowing bitches for the day). Sorry, CoCo, but in our world, news and satire trumps "Conando" (but plowing bitches still trumps them both). Still, we were happy for Conan. The Tonight Show is an honor that he deserves. Jack Parr, Steve Allen, Johnny Carson -- Conan belongs at the table with these guys.

By choosing Conan, it appeared that NBC was finally starting to get it, and in a way, atoning for the way they treated Letterman. Certainly, their taste in primetime comedy programming has improved drastically over the last decade. Single-camera, laugh track-less shows like The Office, 30 Rock, and now, Parks & Recreation, were getting their due -- even being allowed time to build their audiences for a season or two.

Foolishly, we began to let our guard down. And now with Conan all but finished on NBC, we can't help but wonder what's next. Is anyone safe? How long is it before 30 Rock gets replaced by Jeff Dunham? Or The Office loses 9pm to some insipid abortion of a sit-com starring Dane Cook and Dax Shepard and produced by Ashton Kutcher?

A chilling vision of things to come.

It's time to take matters into our own hands, people. NBC can't be trusted with quality programming anymore. That's why the TPC is urging President Obama, via his secret Executive Facebook Page (only accessible by the liberal media elite such as ourselves) to immediately seize the following NBC programs before the network can fuck them up, too: 30 Rock, The Office, and Parks & Recreation.

You must act now, Mr. President. These programs are too good to fail. Every second they remain in NBC's inept hands is one second closer to cancellation, or worse, re-tooling. Don't let this happen on your watch, sir. Swift and decisive government regulation must be enacted to prevent NBC from destroying primetime comedy the same way they have already decimated late night. And while you're at it, can you make sure Cuse and Lindelof don't fuck up LOST on us? Thanks.