It's (Still) the Economy, Cupid: 4 More Tips for a Recession-Friendly Valentine's Day...

So Sunday is Valentine’s Day, and if possible, we care less about it this year than we did last year. We’ve never been big fans of manufactured holidays – Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Earth Day – they’re all just ploys to make you waste money on useless junk; conspicuous consumption under the guise of schmaltzy sentimentality. (Suck it, Al Gore; what the hell are we supposed to do with all these "Save the Planet 2009" polyethylene bags?)

Nonetheless, some of you people out there (women) still buy into this cheese. But let’s face it, ladies, times are tight. In this economy, diamonds, roses and Coldplay tickets just aren’t in the budget. (And besides, your guy hates Coldplay.) That being said, doing nothing is not an option, either (unless, your New Year’s resolution was to no get laid this year). So here's another round of tips to help you have a recession-friendly Valentine’s Day after the jump.

1) Dinner & a Show (at home). It’s a Valentine’s Day staple, but why deal with the hassle of crowded restaurants and pricey movie tickets? Stay home, and dazzle your dame domestically. It’s a proven fact that girls love a guy who can cook (based on our extensive research, at least). Make something simple – pasta, pizza, a stir-fry – there’s no need to try a new recipe or show off (the fact that you can even boil water will probably impress her right out of those).

After dinner, head for the couch, and let Jim and Pam do the rest. Get some Office DVDs and you’re on autopilot. We know we suggested this last year, but we're bringing it up again because it really works. Just pop in a disc and trust us. Once you get that thing in there, you won't be disappointed.

"That's what she said."

2) Make a Mix CD. Nothing is sweeter than giving her a mix of songs that remind you of her. But burner beware: an improperly vetted playlist can have unintentional and potentially disastrous consequences. Make sure your mix conveys the right message (e.g. "Happy Valentine's Day — be my fuck buddy"). One misplaced Ray LaMontagne song can propel your relationship status into “serious” territory faster than you can say “I just wanna be friends.”

Pictured: the right message.

Our advice: keep it light. Don’t forget to keep a good balance of the familiar and the obscure. A mix that reads like a commercial radio playlist is impersonal, lazy, and tell her what a lame-ass you are (newsflash, bro: nobody likes Nickleback except for you). Likewise, keep the Sufjan Stevens and Animal Collective to a minimum (or, better yet, lose the AnCo altogether.)

3) Go Dutch. So your special lady friend wasn’t thrilled with your offer to cook a romantic dinner at home. She sees right through your thrifty ways, and isn’t letting you off the hook that easy. It’s V-Day, and she’s gonna make sure you do it right even if it bankrupts your unemployed ass. Wow, your friends were right about her. (Seriously, we’ve all been talking about her for a while now.) What kind of an unappreciative pain in the ass would thumb her nose at your grandma’s marinara and a bottle of Chianti? (FYI, we also heard that she doesn’t even like The Office.)

Well, if this isn’t your wake up call to finally ditch this diva (see Tip #4), then it looks like you’re hitting the town. Tough break, guy. Dining out Valentine’s Day is definitely not recession-friendly. If you don’t break the bank on the meal, you’ll surely get sunk with all the add-ons – the flowers, the gifts, more gifts (we're guessing that materialistic harpy won't let you off the hook with just one).

But don’t worry; in these modern times of gender equality and women's rights and such, it’s perfectly acceptable for you to split the bill on dinner. In some cultures, it’s even encouraged (the Dutch, for example). When the server drops the check, just throw down your card, shoot her an expectant look, and give her some line about money being tight – you know, really guilt her into it. (Hopefully, it will go better than the last time you tried to guilt her into something.)

"Come on, babe...it' my birthday."

And don’t get nit-picky about whose meal cost more or who had more to drink, though. You’re already skirting the line of proper relationship protocol by going Dutch on Valentine’s Day, making her pay for that second glass of Pinot is just gauche.

4. Break Up with Her. It doesn’t get much more inexpensive than this. To be sure, there are some consequences to consider (the aforementioned not-getting-laid factor being chief among them). Though, if she’s anything like the winning lady we described in Tip #3, cutting her loose might be long overdue. And chances are, she dropped your cheap ass after that whole “going Dutch” thing. (What were you thinking?)

Personally, we’ve never been good relationship-enders. They tend to end up like the milk you leave in the refrigerator too long – neglected long after its expatriation date until you’re finally forced to do something about it, and by that point it’s just sour, unpleasant and smelly. (Though, we’ve found that sometimes if you leave it long enough, the milk turns into cheese, which is good again, but sometimes smelly, and a man can't love a piece of cheese. Though, with all those holes...)

Sorry, this metaphor got away from us somewhere.

But winter is long in the end, and that Snuggie she bought you for Christmas is going to feel mighty lonely without her. Maybe, you should just stick it out. She’s not that bad, right? (BTW, she also hated you mix CD.)

Sure, money is tight, but this is America; and not spending your money irresponsibly is like telling America you don’t love her. So pull out that Visa, buy the roses, hit the town, and show both girls some love by going even deeper into crippling debt. Happy Valentine's Day!