LENTAL SOUP :: The Life (Semi-)Aquatic: Exposing the Lenten Fish Conspiracy...

It's Week 2 of Lent. Historically, this is the week that separates the men from the boys. (Though, if you're an altar boy, that separation was court-ordered long ago.) We hope you've held strong to your Lenten sacrifice. Things fell apart pretty quickly for us here at the TPC. We blame all the Protestants and interfaith couples on our staff. (We also blame your sister.) But don't give up hope; you're halfway there, buddy. This week, Lent-al Soup explores everybody's favorite part of Lent: the Friday Fast. Get some historical analysis after the jump.

The practice of fasting and abstinence on Fridays has been a long-held tradition in the Catholic Church. Technically, every Friday is supposed to be a day of fasting and penance; however, this mandate was circumvented in the 1960s thanks to another long-held Catholic tradition: the Loophole. But during Lent, many Catholics do observe this fast by abstaining from eating meat on Fridays.

Except for your sister. (Zing!)

So what's with the fish? Well, like half-assed vegetarians, Catholics don't count fish as actual living things. Once again, cows and chickens get a reprieve while little Nemo is thrown under the
the bus -- or in the sauté pan, as it were. Why's that? Not surprisingly, it's all about business.

Try to recall what you learned back in Catholic school. No, not the repressed memories of altar boy practice and that weekend you went camping with Father McFeely, but all those religion classes you had to take. All those disciples had jobs before they took off with Jesus, didn't they? Jobs as fisherman? Yep. Remember, a lot of the action of the early Church took place around the water since their leader was a guy who enjoyed walking on it.

Show off.

Now, fast-forward to Rome. According to legend, a mistress of one of the early Popes had a husband in the fishing industry. The mistress allegedly withheld sex until the Pope agreed to mandate that fish be consumed on Fridays during the fast so that the fishermen could move their product before the weekend. The Pope gets laid, the fishermen make money, you get a loophole to your fast. Everybody wins.

But one loophole is never enough. What about people who live in places without an abundance of fish? Or people who don't like fish, but still want to find a way around actually observing a real fast? Worry not; we'll just start reclassifying species for you.

Yes, in a special dispensation, the Catholic Church classified the capybara as a fish. While there are differing accounts of how exactly this arose, the popular story details a group of 16th-century missionaries who made a request implying that the semi-aquatic animal might actually be a fish, and therefore, suitable for consumption during Lent. Once again, the Catholic Church's ever-competent grasp of science and biology prevailed. There are other references to German's eating beavers in a similar exception.

Turns out we've been observing this all along.

If any of us here were still Catholics, we might actually be disenchanted. But growing up in the Church has taught us that, like those sore your sister gave us, the more you pick at these things the uglier they get. It's nothing but lies and bullshit and disappointment -- kinda like LOST, but with more pedophilia.

In the Catholic Church, we'd call this "Exhibit A."

To wit: The Catholic principle of transubstantiation holds that during the act of Eucharist the bread and wine transforms into the body and blood of Jesus. (For reals.) If that's the case, then technically, you shouldn't take the Eucharist on a Friday during Lent. Human flesh counts as meat right? But we guess, divine flesh doesn't count. And after all, Jesus was 100% human and 100% divine. We know; the math doesn't add up, but remember, Catholics are as good at math as they are at science.

See what we mean? The clusterfuck that passes for Catholic doctrine reads like Chris Claremont's run on X-Men -- nothing but retcons, ripped off of fairy tales, and bs origin stories. Semi-aquatic mammals, cannibalism, divine loopholes? Maybe, all this is moving toward some kind of cosmic convergence. In another 1,000 years Catholics will be eating humans and worshiping this:

"Dominus Spiritus est ubi autem Spiritus Domini, illic libertas."

Next week: "Ladies Plight: Vaginas, Theodicy, and Institutional Misogyny" ...TPC.