LENTAL SOUP :: Ladies' Plight: Misogyny in the Catholic Church...

We just wrapped up Week 3 of Lent. We're more than halfway there! Even if you quit now, you'll still at least end up in Purgatory -- just you and the Protestants and all those unbaptized babies floating in nothingness for the rest of time. But hang in there, baby, because eternal salvation is so close. Just think of it; sitting up there in the VIP room blowing coke with Jesus while St. Theresa gives you a lap dance. Heaven. This week, Lent-al Soup explores the complicated and unfortunate history of women in the Catholic Church. Get all the phallo-centric details after the jump.

A long time ago (approximately, 6,000 years ago according to most accounts), God created life. He made Adam, the first man, to "hold dominion" over all creation. But soon, God realized that Adam needed some company. While the Bible is fuzzy on this, we're assuming that, like most lonely men, Adam was probably banging the living shit out of everything in sight. So God created woman -- Eve -- to give Adam something to bang exclusively.

Much to the relief of these nervous ladies.

Adam and Even lived in paradise -- abundant food, good weather, no pain, no suffering, no toil. Paradise. But all this was contingent on one condition; don't eat any apples. Sounds easy, right? The only thing is, God also put his buddy Lucifer in the garden to tempt the happy couple. Everyday, Lucifer would hang out by the tree and just basically fuck with Adam and Eve, suggesting that they were totally missing out by not eating the apples, which would give them great knowledge and make Adam last longer in bed, which was becoming an issue as of late. [Citation needed.]

Incidentally, this was the first time "I swear this has never happened before" was used.

So Eve gave in. She picked an apple, and went to town. And it was good. She gave one to Adam, who at first, was reluctant to disobey God. However, Adam was pretty sensitive about his hair trigger weiner, and he was also a little miffed at God for putting the kibosh on the whole sheep-banging thing, which was a far less complicated arrangement than Eve was turning out to be. So he took a bite.

Now, Eden was the original one horse town. With a population of four -- one of whom is omniscient, it naturally didn't take long before God got wind of all this. Ever the gentleman, Adam ratted Eve out telling God that she tempted him with her feminine wiles and led him down this road to ruin.

Sorry, Eve, bros before hoes.

Despite tossing both of them out on their asses, God saved the worse punishment for Eve, laying the blame for Fall of Man square on her. From that point on, Judeo-Christian belief has used this incident as divine justification to royally fuck women over at every turn.

Now consider the tree and the apple and Lucifer. God is omniscient, right? Why would he plant a forbidden tree in the garden, anyway? And why the hell would he let a sketchball like Lucifer be groundskeeper? Because he wanted Adam and Eve to fuck up. Let's face it; there was nothing to do in Eden. Paradise is boring. Obedience is boring.

And then there's the angels. Apparently, the prospect of spending all eternity with the humorless kissasses prompted God to cook up something a little more exciting to occupy his time. So what does he do? He makes Man, and gives him free will. Then, he puts these him on earth, and almost immediately gives him a choice -- don't eat the apple and be obedient and boring, or eat it and find out what's behind door #3.

Hint: it's toil.

You see; God wanted them to eat the apple. He knew it would happen he engineered it. So if that's the case, why go apeshit on Eve? Why set a precedent where women forever are treated like second-class citizens? Well, because God's kind of a dick.

Now, fast-forward a couple-few thousand years. Suddenly, this Jesus guy shows up on the scene and starts asking questions and talking about equality and shit. Pretty soon, he's hanging out with prostitutes, and allowing women to wield a fair amount of power in his ministry.

It's here that we meet the two Marys. Now, whether or not Jesus was multiplying Mary Magdalene's loaves is unknown. However, she was definitely an important player in the early Church following his death. Indeed, the apocryphal Gospel writings feature her prominently. Not surprisingly, the four canonical Gospels put her on the sidelines, miscasting here as a prostitute in a institutionally complicit insult.

Classy!

Like Barack Obama, Jesus won our hearts with promises of hope and change, but in the face of the crushing status quo of ignorance, fear, and self-interest, his message quickly got co-opted and corrupted, spitting him out on the other end a broken down shadow of his former self.

The first such co-opter was St. Augustine of Hippo. Augustine was kind of a dirt bag. He grew up in North Africa where he spent most of his time drinking and fucking like a frat boy on spring break.

St. Augustine (c. 370 AD).

Then, one day Augustine sees the light, and converts to Christianity. Pretty soon, he's the leading thinker in Christian scholasticism. In his newly-minted piety, Augustine puts into practice a technique that will become a cornerstone of Christian thought: not accepting responsibility. It was Augustine who cooked up Original Sin, making Eve the villain of the Genesis story, and leading to centuries of institutional misogyny by implicitly identifying all women and conniving temptresses who lead good men astray.

With Original Sin in place, women were essentially shut out of holding any authority in the Church. Except for that Virgin. You see; women are fine as long as you deny them any kind of sexuality. In a classic, Catholic loophole, Jesus' mom was born without Original Sin. And then, when she turned up preggers at the age of like, 14, it was explained that she was still a virgin.

Now, while sex-ed has taught us that a women can technically get pregnant with out penetration, we were expected to Mary's dubious explanation that an "angel" "told her" she was pregnant. We weren't born yesterday. If our wife fed us that light, she'd be out on her ass faster than she could say "Plan B." Though, if our wife were 14, we'd probably be in jail.

Or Utah.

Since then, Catholic women have enjoyed a very close-minded and unhealthy understanding of their sexuality. They must live with glaring paradox; a patriarchal institution which lords over the female bodies while denying said body any agency, authority, or meaningful representation.

Let's talk about family planning. In the 1960s, when the birth-control pill allowed women a new sense of sexual freedom (read: whoring it up), the Church went nuts because contraception is wrong. Remember, sex is for procreation, not for pleasure -- according to the Baltimore Catechism, if it feels good, you're probably doing it wrong. Obviously, condoms are out, too. That leaves us with the time honored Catholic practice of natural family planning, which intelligently combines the irrational, impulsive horniness and counting.

Results may vary.

This condom ban also has some great side effects in places like Africa where the perfect storm of Catholicism, AIDS, and rape has created an epidemic for which the Church is largely responsible.

Season liberally with racism, and neglect for a several generations.

And what about all those male priests? A result of all this vagiphobia is that priests can't marry must remain celibate. This is based on the belief that Jesus was celibate, and apparently, on the scientifically-proven fact that celibacy is a natural and healthy practice for humans, who are inherently sexual creatures.

Fortunately for the Church, the whole priests-can't-have-sex thing have worked out really well. Oh, wait. This is what happens when you demonize sex, marginalize women, and restrict people from getting laid on a regular basis.

"Eight-year-olds, Dude."

Next week: "Easter Egg Punt: Messiahs, Rabbits, and Colored Eggs"

- TPC.