Health Care Reform headline FAIL...

Messiah feels increasingly alienated from own church...

ROME—Jesus Christ, Son of Man and Savior to millions of Catholics worldwide spoke out this week following the most recent round of sex abuse allegations leveled against priests in Ireland, Germany, and the United States.

Archaeologists find real DHARMA station...

In Egypt, archaeologists have unearthed what they're calling a "door to the afterlife." Nice try guys, but we know a the entrance to a DRAHMA station when we see one. We'll be sure to use this detail in our LOST LARP series finale weekend.

The TPC gets some moe. :: Full SNOE.DOWN coverage...

So the TPC's Vermont Bureau Chief Jim scoped out snoe.down for us this weekend. The winter music and and sports festival descended on the Rutland/Killington area for three days of music by jam rockers and TPC favorites, moe. Jim will be filing a full report later in the week. Until the, enjoy some photos from the weekend.

BIG FUCKIN' DEAL :: Joe Biden Drops an F-bomb...

Vice President Biden stole the show at the Health Care Reform bill signing this afternoon when he dropped an F-bomb while congratulating President Obama. We're glad to see the veep saved this first-class gaffe for such a big day. And we're also glad to see that Press Secretary Robert Gibbs echoed Biden's enthusiasm via Twitter. Big fuckin' deal, indeed. - TPC.

Conan's Twitter War with Justin Bieber...

If you haven't heard by now, Conan O'Brien is on Twitter. And it's flipping hilarious. Over the weekend, he decided to start a feud with teen heartthrob Justin Bieber. We liked it so much we decided to re-post the tweets here. Between his Tweets and the upcoming live tour, leaving the Tonight Show was probably the best thing to happen to his career. Follow Conan on Twitter here.

LENTAL SOUP :: Child's Play: An Inappropriate Conversation About the Catholic Sex Abuse Scandal...

It's Week 6 of Lent. As all good Catholics know, this is penultimate week when Satan will pull out all the stops to tempt your weak-willed ass. Everyday will bring with it another chance to damn yourself to eternal agony. What will it be? A bite of chocolate? A sip of wine? Getting a blumpkin from your best friend's wife while eating a steak on a Friday? So many ways to blow it. In the meantime, enjoy this week's edition of Lental Soup where we explore the Catholic Church sex abuse scandal. Get emotionally scarred after the jump.

Happy March 19th! :: Celebrate with Your Own WMD Hunt...

Seven years ago today, George W. Bush declared war on Iraq on the grounds that they were hiding weapons on mass destruction an had indisputable ties to al-Qaeda and the 9/11 attacks. As we now know, neither of these claims were true. While most would argue more bad then good has come out of the ensuing quagmire, there is one bright spot: The WMD Hunt. What? You and your children don't commemorate March 19 with an ol' fashioned WMD Hunt? You're really missing out. Get our fun and simple WMD Hunt instructions after the jump.

Spider @ SXSW :: Day 1...

So our reporter in the field, the inimitable Spider Glenn touched down in Austin, TX yesterday for this year's South by Southwest Festival. Intrepid reporter that he is, Spider will be reporting SXSW via text message for the TPC. Read his his first series of dispatches after the jump.

1:46pm Fuck coffee. Headding downtown for Maker's and Lone Star.

2:02pm Breakfast of former champions...


2:29pm From here on out, a shot and a beer will be referred to as a "combo."

2:40pm After my second combo, I've realized how awesome my mustache is.

2:50pm Some 20-something just said, "Sweet mustache." I might move here.

LOST Hopes...

When we saw this headline in our Facebook news feed this morning, we got VERY excited. Upon closer inspection, disappointment set in. Someday, maybe. Until then, we'll have to settle for this.

LENTAL SOUP :: Easter Egg Stunt...

It's Week 4 of Lent, otherwise known as "Hollywood Week." If you're still in the game, our hats go off to you. We didn't think you were capable of making this kind of a commitment (at least that's what your ex-girlfriend has been saying). Hang in there, bro, Super Sunday is right around the corner. Then, you can finally get back to dry humping your creepy Japanese body pillow and crying yourself to sleep every night. In the meantime, our Lental Soup feature continues with a look at the history behind the odd Easter tradition of egg-laying rabbits. Get the hard-boiled truth after the jump.

We all know the Easter Story: Jesus riding an Obama-like wave of popular support strolls into Temple in Jerusalem and goes hope and change all over everyone's ass. The powers that be get pissed, arrest him, beat the shit out of him, and stick him up on a cross to die. Mission accomplished? Not quite. Three days later, Jesus saunters out of his tomb feeling like a million bucks and looking for revenge.


So how the hell did we end up with rabbits and eggs? Well, like most aspects of Catholic history it's a combination of opportunistic cultural assimilation, legend, and utter bullshit. Let's travel back to a time before Catholicism took the world by storm (and force). Back then, people were very confused and stupid. Pagans, as they were called, had worked out a set of religious beliefs that placed an emphasis on nature, worshiping multiple gods like silly little savages. Quaint, right? Thank heaven, the Catholics showed up and straightened everything out with their unique (and in no way complicated) brand of monotheism.

Still, the pagans were a hard sell. Fortunately, Catholics has a plan. You see, worship in the Catholic Church isn't about understanding; it's about obedience, and putting asses in the seats. That's because the more you think about Catholic doctrine, the less sense it makes. They knew that. But they also knew that most people were stupid, gullible, and easily scared.

We've come so far.

So what did the Church do? They performed their mass in Latin -- the language of the educated -- and just co-opted all the pagan rituals. Why reinvent the wheel, right? Pretty soon, churches started springing up at established pagan sites, and Catholic holidays were celebrated on existing pagan ones.

And Easter is no exception. As we all know, Easter is a celebration of rebirth. The origins of the rabbit can be traced back to a pagan springtime celebration of the goddess Eostre who was associated with fertility. Hmm... fertility, spring. Makes sense, right? According to beliefs, Eostre's earthly incarnation was that of a rabbit, an animal often associated with screwing a lot.

Now, what about those eggs? Again, we have another symbol of fertility. The origin of the Easter egg has two leading theories, and both involve that red-headed stepchild of the Gospels, Mary Magdalene. One story describes Mary arriving at the Jesus' tomb with some cooked eggs to feed the people chilling at there like he's Jim Morrison or some shit. When it's revealed that he's alive, the eggs all turned red... That's it. That's the story.

Yeah, that was pretty much our reaction, too.

In story number two, Mary and some of the other disciples show up in Rome after Christ's Ascension. She tells the Emperor that Jesus rose from the dead to which he incredulously replied, “Christ has no more risen than that egg is red.” And guess what; that motherfucking egg turned red.

Booyah!

But how the hell did eggs get conflated with rabbits? Well, one possible answer lies with the depraved people over at Cadbury. They've been selling us on the notion that rabbits can lay eggs for decades.



A clucking rabbit that lays chocolate eggs? Cute, right? That's all well and good until you meet its parents:

Everyone like sausage, but no one wants to see how it gets made.

Next week: "Child's Play: An Inappropriate Conversation About the Church Sex Abuse Scandal"

Vancouver to Bode Miller: "GO HOME!"...

VANCOUVER—Almost two weeks after the closing Ceremonies of the 2010 Winter Olympic Games, host city Vancouver is finally asking gold medal-winner Bode Miller to leave. According to sources, the world champion skiier and infamous partier has been celebrating nonstop since winning gold in the super-combined competition on Feb. 21. Get the whole story after the jump.

"We're very happy for Mr. Miller, and wish him the best, but we need to get back to work," said Brendan Murray, a spokesperson for the Vancouver Organizing Committee for the 2010 Olympics, who explained that Miller's partying has become "disruptive everyday life in Vancouver."

Miller's appearances have been characterized as random, tending to occur when least expected -- at offices, schools, hospitals. "At first, it was fun, but I think for most Vancouverites, the novelty has worn off," said Murray.

While Miller could not be reached for comment, a group of college students who had just "totally smoke up Bode" noted that the errant Olympian showed no inclination of leaving anytime soon.

Visibly frustrated and worn out, Murray issued a final plea, stating, "Please, Mr Miller, go home; we need to get back to work." - TPC.

Joe Biden's Handlers Report Gaffe-Free Trip to Israel...

JERUSALEM—The staff tasked with keeping Vice-President Joe Biden from saying and doing politically damaging things breathed a collective sigh of relief today as they completed an incident-free trip to Israel this week. Get all the details after the jump.

The Office of Vice-Presidential Conduct Management -- a cabinet-level body -- is team of public relations professionals and spin doctors that was first assigned to Biden during the 2008 campaign, and have worked tirelessly to manage the gaffe-prone Vice-president's public appearances.

"The Middles East is a minefield for Mr. Biden," said Nicole Voutas, a Public Apology Writer on the OVPCM staff. "Add the Jews into the mix, and it's pretty much a guarantee that he'll say something regrettable."

However, this trip proved conventional wisdom wrong. Mr. Biden's visit was not without controversy; Israel's ill-timed announcement of a new phase of settlements in the West Bank was met with international derision. However, none of this behavior could pinned on Biden.

While the new settlements may have derail Israeli-Palestinian peace talks, Voutas still counts the trip as a success. "The Vice-President spent almost a week in a foreign country without offending anyone. That's a win." - TPC.

Radio-illogical: Proposed Radio Station Slogans...

[From Spider...]
As we all are painfully aware, over the past several years in radio we have seen stations and clusters employ a strategy of naming the station in an effort to boost ratings and grow brand loyalty among listeners. The 3 or 4 call letter combination -- usually starting with W or K -- and 3- to 4-digit frequency number combination was allegedly too difficult to remember. The past decade has seen many stations show some success by naming themselves after a random body of water or an ambiguous idea.

As of late, new secret marketing campaigns have begun in undisclosed locations (for our own protection). Here are some ideas being cooked up for the next decade in Triple A Radio. For your amusement, the station monikers and slogans have been jumbled. See if you can match the right name with the right liner!

LENTAL SOUP :: Ladies' Plight: Misogyny in the Catholic Church...

We just wrapped up Week 3 of Lent. We're more than halfway there! Even if you quit now, you'll still at least end up in Purgatory -- just you and the Protestants and all those unbaptized babies floating in nothingness for the rest of time. But hang in there, baby, because eternal salvation is so close. Just think of it; sitting up there in the VIP room blowing coke with Jesus while St. Theresa gives you a lap dance. Heaven. This week, Lent-al Soup explores the complicated and unfortunate history of women in the Catholic Church. Get all the phallo-centric details after the jump.

A long time ago (approximately, 6,000 years ago according to most accounts), God created life. He made Adam, the first man, to "hold dominion" over all creation. But soon, God realized that Adam needed some company. While the Bible is fuzzy on this, we're assuming that, like most lonely men, Adam was probably banging the living shit out of everything in sight. So God created woman -- Eve -- to give Adam something to bang exclusively.

Much to the relief of these nervous ladies.

Adam and Even lived in paradise -- abundant food, good weather, no pain, no suffering, no toil. Paradise. But all this was contingent on one condition; don't eat any apples. Sounds easy, right? The only thing is, God also put his buddy Lucifer in the garden to tempt the happy couple. Everyday, Lucifer would hang out by the tree and just basically fuck with Adam and Eve, suggesting that they were totally missing out by not eating the apples, which would give them great knowledge and make Adam last longer in bed, which was becoming an issue as of late. [Citation needed.]

Incidentally, this was the first time "I swear this has never happened before" was used.

So Eve gave in. She picked an apple, and went to town. And it was good. She gave one to Adam, who at first, was reluctant to disobey God. However, Adam was pretty sensitive about his hair trigger weiner, and he was also a little miffed at God for putting the kibosh on the whole sheep-banging thing, which was a far less complicated arrangement than Eve was turning out to be. So he took a bite.

Now, Eden was the original one horse town. With a population of four -- one of whom is omniscient, it naturally didn't take long before God got wind of all this. Ever the gentleman, Adam ratted Eve out telling God that she tempted him with her feminine wiles and led him down this road to ruin.

Sorry, Eve, bros before hoes.

Despite tossing both of them out on their asses, God saved the worse punishment for Eve, laying the blame for Fall of Man square on her. From that point on, Judeo-Christian belief has used this incident as divine justification to royally fuck women over at every turn.

Now consider the tree and the apple and Lucifer. God is omniscient, right? Why would he plant a forbidden tree in the garden, anyway? And why the hell would he let a sketchball like Lucifer be groundskeeper? Because he wanted Adam and Eve to fuck up. Let's face it; there was nothing to do in Eden. Paradise is boring. Obedience is boring.

And then there's the angels. Apparently, the prospect of spending all eternity with the humorless kissasses prompted God to cook up something a little more exciting to occupy his time. So what does he do? He makes Man, and gives him free will. Then, he puts these him on earth, and almost immediately gives him a choice -- don't eat the apple and be obedient and boring, or eat it and find out what's behind door #3.

Hint: it's toil.

You see; God wanted them to eat the apple. He knew it would happen he engineered it. So if that's the case, why go apeshit on Eve? Why set a precedent where women forever are treated like second-class citizens? Well, because God's kind of a dick.

Now, fast-forward a couple-few thousand years. Suddenly, this Jesus guy shows up on the scene and starts asking questions and talking about equality and shit. Pretty soon, he's hanging out with prostitutes, and allowing women to wield a fair amount of power in his ministry.

It's here that we meet the two Marys. Now, whether or not Jesus was multiplying Mary Magdalene's loaves is unknown. However, she was definitely an important player in the early Church following his death. Indeed, the apocryphal Gospel writings feature her prominently. Not surprisingly, the four canonical Gospels put her on the sidelines, miscasting here as a prostitute in a institutionally complicit insult.

Classy!

Like Barack Obama, Jesus won our hearts with promises of hope and change, but in the face of the crushing status quo of ignorance, fear, and self-interest, his message quickly got co-opted and corrupted, spitting him out on the other end a broken down shadow of his former self.

The first such co-opter was St. Augustine of Hippo. Augustine was kind of a dirt bag. He grew up in North Africa where he spent most of his time drinking and fucking like a frat boy on spring break.

St. Augustine (c. 370 AD).

Then, one day Augustine sees the light, and converts to Christianity. Pretty soon, he's the leading thinker in Christian scholasticism. In his newly-minted piety, Augustine puts into practice a technique that will become a cornerstone of Christian thought: not accepting responsibility. It was Augustine who cooked up Original Sin, making Eve the villain of the Genesis story, and leading to centuries of institutional misogyny by implicitly identifying all women and conniving temptresses who lead good men astray.

With Original Sin in place, women were essentially shut out of holding any authority in the Church. Except for that Virgin. You see; women are fine as long as you deny them any kind of sexuality. In a classic, Catholic loophole, Jesus' mom was born without Original Sin. And then, when she turned up preggers at the age of like, 14, it was explained that she was still a virgin.

Now, while sex-ed has taught us that a women can technically get pregnant with out penetration, we were expected to Mary's dubious explanation that an "angel" "told her" she was pregnant. We weren't born yesterday. If our wife fed us that light, she'd be out on her ass faster than she could say "Plan B." Though, if our wife were 14, we'd probably be in jail.

Or Utah.

Since then, Catholic women have enjoyed a very close-minded and unhealthy understanding of their sexuality. They must live with glaring paradox; a patriarchal institution which lords over the female bodies while denying said body any agency, authority, or meaningful representation.

Let's talk about family planning. In the 1960s, when the birth-control pill allowed women a new sense of sexual freedom (read: whoring it up), the Church went nuts because contraception is wrong. Remember, sex is for procreation, not for pleasure -- according to the Baltimore Catechism, if it feels good, you're probably doing it wrong. Obviously, condoms are out, too. That leaves us with the time honored Catholic practice of natural family planning, which intelligently combines the irrational, impulsive horniness and counting.

Results may vary.

This condom ban also has some great side effects in places like Africa where the perfect storm of Catholicism, AIDS, and rape has created an epidemic for which the Church is largely responsible.

Season liberally with racism, and neglect for a several generations.

And what about all those male priests? A result of all this vagiphobia is that priests can't marry must remain celibate. This is based on the belief that Jesus was celibate, and apparently, on the scientifically-proven fact that celibacy is a natural and healthy practice for humans, who are inherently sexual creatures.

Fortunately for the Church, the whole priests-can't-have-sex thing have worked out really well. Oh, wait. This is what happens when you demonize sex, marginalize women, and restrict people from getting laid on a regular basis.

"Eight-year-olds, Dude."

Next week: "Easter Egg Punt: Messiahs, Rabbits, and Colored Eggs"

- TPC.

Safe Playdate: Switzerland Sells Condoms to Kids...

So Switzerland has begun selling condoms designed for 12-14-year-olds. We're not entirely sure what to make of the packaging, though (PUN!). The condoms are specially designed for younger boys for whom the standard-sized condom is too big. Our more conservative sensibilities tell us that if your wang isn't big enough to fill out a condom, then you're probably too young to be having sex. Still, this seems smart considering the high teen pregnancy rates in Europe -- especially in the UK. But on the other hand, this is kinda creepy. And on the third hand, hand fuck these little Euro shits for getting laid more at 12 than we are now. - TPC

The Apocalypse will be Televised: Sarah Palin Wants a TV Show...

In a revelation that should surprise nobody, Sarah Palin is shopping around an idea for a reality TV show. According to reports, she has been meeting with producer Mark Burnett of Survivor fame about creating a docudrama about Alaska featuring the former governor's ready for prime time family. And get this; they want the show to have a "Planet Earth-type look."

Yes! Because who better to exhort the beauty and splendor of nature than a woman who shoots wolves from helicopters and has "Drill, baby, drill!" as a personal motto? And we can't wait. For us in the comedy world, a Sarah Palin TV show is like a getting a blowjob from an angel during the final episode of LOST. In anticipation, we brainstormed some potential plot ideas that we're hoping to see in the upcoming series. Read them after the jump.

• Trip's real mother is revealed to be Kate Gosselin.
• In a touching reconciliation episode, Levi Johnston is invited to Thanksgiving; gets Willow pregnant.
  
• Sarah ostensibly hires Snookie to be her new nanny, then, hunts her for sport. Hilarity ensues.
  
• Every episode, Sarah awkwardly tries out a new catchphrase while she winking at the camera.
• The rest of the Jersey Shore cast arrives in Alaska to find Snookie. Sarah hunts them for sport. Hilarity ensues.
• After Todd falls into a coma resulting from a mysterious snow-machine accident, Sarah begins an illicit affair with a strikingly familiar older gentleman who recently arrived in Wasilla.
  
• Almost 40% of every episode is spent watching Sarah update her Twitter and Facebook accounts.
  
• In a thrilling crossover episode, Sarah and the smoke monster from LOST appear together on MSNBC, kill everyone in sight.
  
• Megan McCain kidnaps Piper "for her own safety" after Sarah takes her to auditions for Toddlers and Tiaras.
  
• Palin's mysteriously familiar lover is revealed to be a future version of Levi Johnston who has traveled back in time on a mission to kill Sarah, preventing a timeline where she becomes president, and through a convoluted series of events, manages to accidentally blow up the moon after she declares war on the France for not acknowledging Velveeta as a real cheese.

- TPC

Got to Give it Up: What our Celebrities are Giving Up for Lent...